|
National Association of Social Workers |
|
| FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: June 29, 2009 |
Contact: Theresa Spinner |
CHILDREN AND DIVORCE –WHAT HAPPENS TO CHILDREN WHEN FAMILIES LIKE THE GOSSELINS DIVORCE Q&A With Social Worker Risa Garon, LCSW-C, BCD, CFLE
Executive Director and Co-founder of
The National Family Resiliency Center, Inc., Rockville, Maryland
Ms. Garon is a licensed clinical social worker, board certified diplomate and certified family life educator. She is also a certified mediator and is trained and certified in collaborative law, serving as a divorce coach and child specialist. Ms. Garon is the author of:
- A Kid’s Guide to Coming to Terms with Separation and Divorce
- Talking to Your Children About Separation and Divorce: A Handbook for Parents
- Guidelines for Child Focused Decision Making
- Stop! In the Name of Love for Your children: A Guide to Healthy Divorce
Note to Reporters: If you use any of Ms. Garon’s information please refer to her as a social worker. She can be reached directly at Risa.Garon@verizon.net or at 410-740-9553.
Q: How much do young children like the Gosselin family understand about divorce?
Children, particularly young children may not understand the word divorce but all children understand and feel tensions between parents. They know when something is wrong between their parents whether their parents are together or apart. They may notice that their parents aren’t affectionate, don’t talk or fight all the time.
Q. What are some of the questions that young children typically ask?
Young children always ask why questions. The key for parents is to be concrete with young children and not give them details about their marriage. Rather, be simple,
“We (parents) have had some problems and can’t find ways to live together any more. We love you and will always love you and will live in two homes which we think will be better for us. We will still see you and take care of you.”
Children ask questions that relate to who is responsible for the divorce. “Did Parent 1 or Parent 2 do something bad,” might be a question kids ask. They have a need to know and want to blame someone for their pain which we encourage parents to avoid. “We” is better that “your parent did this and that.”
Q: How should parents answer the questions that young children ask?
Parents should answer questions in a way that help their children, not necessarily themselves. Be simple, concrete and focus on parents having problems, not parents not loving each other because children then fear that parents won’t love them.
Children may want to know a lot of legal information and other details that are not relevant to their understanding and adjustment. Sometimes these questions are indicative of children’s insecurity and need to control what is really out of their control. Be empathic: ” I know this is so hard for you and it hurts, but there are some grown up issues that we don’t want you to worry about. These issues are between me and your mother.”
Most children have a significant need to know how the divorce or separation will affect them. They may ask questions such as “Where will I live, when will I see each parent, will I go to the same school, what about our dog?” It is critical that parents answer these questions if they know where they are going to live. I suggest to parents that they have their facts well before they talk to their children to reassure their children about the consistency of their lives and schedules.
Q. Is there such a thing as ”an easy divorce” for children?
Divorce hurts and is usually a decision made by one parent, sometimes both. When parents make this decision they know that their children may be hurt. Because parents don’t want to hurt their children they may minimize the impact of divorce.
Divorce does hurt because it is changing the picture of family that children have had and want to hold on to. The easier divorce is one that is handled in a healthy way by both parents, where parents always take in to consideration the needs of their children, include both parents in co- parenting and allow their children and themselves to grieve. Sometimes children expect a divorce and or are relieved that the fighting is over. At the same time, these children may still feel sad.
Q. Do children typically act out in some way?
Some children act out, particularly when they don’t have an opportunity to understand, express emotions about family transition and opportunities to resolve divorce related issues. Their grades may drop, some children drop out of school activities or change friends. Other kids may get depressed. Parents need to monitor their children to assess how they are doing. Parents need to know the benefit of support through counseling, therapy, groups, and books. No one can do this alone!
Q. How long does it take kids to accept the reality of a divorce?
As some children and teens with whom we work have said, “divorce never goes away.” Children and teens learn to deal with it. The more the parents can focus on their children being children and not play tug of war over them, treat each other with respect and participate in their children’s lives in age appropriate ways, the children will accept this family change. As life happens, graduations, new significant others, other individual and family transitions, issues related to the divorce will come up; it is how they are handled that will determine whether the children view themselves as just plain kids or children of divorce. It may take a year of two to work through stages of grief that children and adults experience.
Q. What can parents do to smooth the transition from one home for the kids to the kids moving between their mother’s and their father’s home?
- Create an access schedule that is age appropriate for the children and considers their personalities and temperaments.
- Have consistent discipline at each home so that it is easier to transition.
- Have an “adjustment” period when children go from one home to another to give the children a change to adjust to their environment and different people.
- Work together as co parents so that if homework is left at one home, it doesn’t become a “big deal” for one parent to pick it up or drop it off.
The National Association of Social Workers (NASW), in Washington, D.C., is the largest membership organization of professional social workers in the world with nearly 150,000 members in 56 chapters throughout the United States and its territories. It promotes, develops, and protects the practice of social work and social workers. NASW also seeks to enhance the well-being of individuals, families, and communities through its advocacy.
