By Carol Juergensen Sheets, MSW, ACSW

I have seen people who stay in unhappy relationships under the guise of being in love. Although they know they are being mistreated, they are willing to put up with chronic abuse, neglect, and disrespect, citing love as the reason to stay together.

Both partners must take responsibility for changing their own behavior. When one partner refuses to acknowledge the need for change, this results in a stalemate that creates unhealthy love.

Healthy Love

Healthy love is where two people work together to create a life where each person can be individually fulfilled. When healthy couples disagree, they use negotiation and compromise to resolve their difficulties. There is mutual give and take, and both partners feel that they are able to get some of their needs met some of the time. Regardless of their difficulties, each spouse feels respected.

Healthy love doesn’t mean that couples always agree, but they work together to resolve disagreements.

Unhealthy Love

What constitutes a love that is in need of repair vs. a relationship that may be hopeless?

Most relationships are workable if two partners are invested in improvement. However, in an abusive relationship where one person is unwilling to develop their anger management skills, then the relationship is not physically safe; the couple needs to separate. Or if a couple has undergone years of infidelity, and there is no indication that the adultery is going to stop, it is usually recommended that the couple part.

Lastly, if a spouse refuses to negotiate or compromise, he or she is too controlling to participate in healthy love. There is little chance for the couple to grow together.

If You Are in an Unhealthy Relationship

It’s better to be alone that to stay in an unhealthy relationship. If you stay in this type of relationship, you are signaling to your partner that you are willing to put up with disrespectful behaviors.

You might find it helpful to work with a counselor as you determine for yourself what behaviors are unacceptable. As you develop and enforce clear, non-negotiable boundaries, you will demonstrate through your own actions that you are not willing to accept unacceptable behaviors.

As you practice saying no and reinforcing your boundaries, you will begin to internalize assertiveness, which helps you to express your feelings clearly and directly.

As you assert yourself and clarify your boundaries, let your partner know how you will respond if your boundaries are violated. For example, you can say:

• If you call me names, I will end the conversation.
• If you cheat on me again, I will file a formal separation agreement.
• If you insist on doing it your way, you will be doing it on your own.

In abusive relationships, the abuser will often escalate the unhealthy behaviors when their partner stops accepting them. So be sure to have a support system in place before you set about resisting the pattern of abuse.

If you need support in deciding what your options are, a social worker or other qualified mental health professional can help.