By Carol Juergensen Sheets, MSW, ACSW, LCSW

A woman came into my office to discuss how to improve her relationship with her boss. She described him as an angry man who ranted and raved when things did not go his way. She said that he would never admit when he was wrong and seemed to have an inflated sense of his own worth.

He had become especially difficult after she rebuffed his sexual advances. After she refused to sleep with him, his whole demeanor changed. He pretended that she did not exist. Months later, was he still ignoring her and discrediting her work.

Classic Narcissistic Behaviors

My client’s description of her boss seemed to fit perfectly into a specific personality type called a Narcissist. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) have a pervasive pattern of grandiosity. Their self-importance keeps them from publicly acknowledging their weaknesses.

While people with NPD behave arrogantly, their self-esteem is actually quite low. They may be preoccupied with how they appear to others, their reputation, or their appearance. This often takes the form of a need for constant attention, admiration and special treatment. They may expect their arrival to be greeted with great fanfare and act hurt or surprised if others do not covet their possessions. They may constantly fish for compliments, often with great charm.

The Narcissist expects to be catered to and might act furious when this does not happen. This sense of entitlement, combined with a lack of sensitivity to the wants and needs of others, may lead them to exploit other people. Narcissists tend to create friendships or romantic relationships only when the other person can advance their purposes or enhance their social standing. They use people without regard for the impact on their lives.

If you challenge their behavior, they will discredit you publicly. A person with NPD is a master of turning the tables back on you. Since it is ego dystonic (not compatible with their self-perception) to have made a bad choice or acted badly, they see only one alternative: to discredit your character.

Do you have a narcissist in your life?

A person with NPD will likely never change. So your best action is to get out of the situation or minimize contact whenever possible.

Here are some tips to keep you sane while you figure out your escape plan:

• Create distance or remove yourself from the person whenever possible.
• Create your own supports to validate and encourage yourself, because an NPD won’t support you.
• Develop a “Teflon” approach, so that the NPD’s criticism won’t stick. Never internalize their criticism; don’t let it affect your self-esteem.
• Find ways to validate yourself.
• Develop firm boundaries. Do not negotiate your boundaries with the Narcissist; just enforce them.
• Don’t expect appreciation from an NPD because you will not get it.
• As you plan your escape, it may be useful to boost the NPD’s ego, complimenting him or her on their appearance, their performance, or their abilities.

Just remember, people with NPD are threatened by independent thinkers. It is almost impossible to have a normal relationship with a Narcissist. This is not a personal issue against you, it’s a personality issue with them.

Narcissists are not likely to change so it is imperative that you develop a plan to plan to minimize contact contact with them as much as possible. Never look to a narcissist to validate your worth as a person! Do as much as you can to minimize their impact on your life.