By Bette J. Freedson, LCSW, LICSW

Eliminating toddler tantrums altogether is impossible. Managing them reasonably well is possible. Tantrum avoidance begins at home. If you do your “home work,” you will be more prepared to diffuse tantrums when they occur in the car, in stores, in restaurants or in any places where you want to be, and must be, in charge.

Here is what to do with tantrums in and out of the house.

1. Set Consistent Limits

Have a consistent set of rules and limits, and have a list of small consequences that you can deploy after a tantrum, or after any negative behavior that you want to eliminate. Have rules for in the house and out of the house that both parents agree to follow.

You will be creating a trust in your toddler that you will respond with a consequence; that you will do what you say; that you are setting limits on behavior issues.

2. Create Predictability and Follow Through!

Be as consistent and predictable as possible.

The parent who says, “If you do this, then I will do that,” and who does not do “that” when the child does “this” is reinforcing bad behavior. Follow through lets your child know you mean what you say. It sets the groundwork for diffusing tantrums when they occur.

However, refrain from using the threat of a spanking or other kinds of physical violence.

3. Use Your Words!

Even if the child is very young and may not understand all the words, your tone will convey meaning. When you prepare your child for going out to some other place that you know could be tricky, before you go, you might say, “Sweetheart, you and mommy are going out in the car and mommy expects you to behave. That means no screaming, no whining, and no crying.”

Note: If the child is very young and does evidence some sort of actual discomfort, check out the problem. Once you determine the child is fine and safe, you can go back to your directive. “Now, you are fine, sweetheart. No more whining.”

4. Use Planned Ignoring and Follow Through!

At that point if tantrum continues and you are in a place where you can ignore it, ignore it.

If the tantrum continues, and you can leave the location, tell your child in a calm voice that the outing is over because she/he is making poor choices, and return home.

Do your best to not become emotional. You are merely demonstrating to your child that action A leads to consequence B. That is all.

5. Use the Strategies!

Strategies work better if you have prepared yourself and your child with tips 1 through 4!

• You can use the “If this continues, we will need to leave.” This is one a lot of parents use, but often fail to follow through with. If you say this and do not leave, your words become meaningless. If you do what you say you’re going to do, your child will learn.
• Use ignoring if safety is assured. If you are in a place where you do not mind people staring, and the child is safe, use ignoring. Ignoring a tantrum until it runs its course might take more than a few uncomfortable moments.
• Use distraction. Bring some fun toys for the child to play with or look at, and try them when your child gets cranky, and use quickly before things go downhill.
• Take a break. In a restaurant or other public place removing the child for a short time can quiet things down. If in the car, you may have to pull into a safe parking spot and ignore till s/he calms down. When the child quiets down, even for a moment, you can begin to go again. If he starts up again, and you know he is safe, ignore.
• Reward desired behavior. When the tantrum stops or wanes for a few minutes, you have a golden opportunity to offer a reward if the child pulls herself together. However, as with any consequence, you must follow through with the promised reward to get your full benefits for the future.

6. Don’t Do This!

• Never shame your child. Name calling and making the child feel bad about himself can create problems in the long term.
• Do not use physical punishment.
• Do not promise any reward that you do not intend to deliver.
• Don’t wait long to apply consequences.
• Do not withhold love, food or shelter or other basic necessities.
• Do not put toddlers alone in a room or leave them in a car alone.
• Do not threaten to make them go live with someone else or to give them away.

Some of these are obvious, but at a parent’s wits end, desperate measures can seem appealing.

Get professional help

If the tantrums occur frequently or if your child becomes self-destructive, seek professional help. Consider stress management training for yourself and for other caretakers who are becoming stressed by your child’s behavior.

And, remember: nearly all toddlers tantrum. By using the above tips and strategies you will be in prime position to avoid and diffuse tantrums.