There’s a lot more to spoiling kids than simply succumbing to their material desires. Sure they may have every electronic gadget on the market, not tomention their own wheels and unfettered access to the family credit card. But as psychologist Dan Kindlon found out in a survey of upper middle-class parents and adolescents, overindulgence is not just about what parents give their teens, but how they treat them.
What Kindlon, a professor at the Harvard School of Public Health, found is that today’s kids have it pretty good. Rarely are they required to do chores, and when they have a problem at school, it’s never their fault. Parents will do everything in their power to protect their kids from disappointment, rescuing them from mistakes that could teach them valuable life lessons.
"We want to protect our children from all kinds of pain; we try to make their lives perfect, " said Kindlon, author of "Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age" (Hyperion, $13).
"We try to make their lives perfect. But if a child never experiences the pain of frustration, they won’t ever develop psychological skills that are crucial for their future happiness."
Kindlon will share the results of his study, titled "Parenting Practices at the Millennium, " Thursday at the annual spring parenting program of The Parenting Center at Children’s Hospital, the Junior League of New Orleans, the National Council of Jewish Women and the Parents’ Council. The program, which is free to the public, begins at 7 p.m. at Isidore Newman School, 1903 Jefferson Ave.
Among other things, he will discuss how overindulgence hinders the building of strong character and ways parents can help their children by promoting rewarding activities, emotional maturity and a sense of self-worth.
On Friday, Kindlon will conduct a workshop for mental health professionals, focusing on how overindulgence impacts a child’s self-concept and what families can do to change their ways.
"The influence of parents is becoming less and less, " said social worker Barbara LeBlanc, assistant director of The Parenting Center, who is coordinating Kindlon’s appearance. "We have kids growing up who have never heard the word ‘no.’ They grow up with a sense of entitlement, of ‘the rules don’t apply to me.’ It’s never their fault."
Despite the good intentions of many parents, she said, few are aware of the harm they may be doing.
"We’re not just talking about giving them things, but doing things for them that they can do for themselves, " LeBlanc said. "There are times when it’s OK to protect them and times that the consequences may be greater than youwant them to feel."
For his study, Kindlon surveyed nearly 700 teenagers in different parts of the country and nearly 1, 100 parents of children ages 4-19. Questionnaire topics included everything from children’s possessions and allowances to household rules and attitudes about sex and drug use.
He found that the more permissive parents were, the more at risk their children were for using drugs and alcohol, suffering from eating disorders, experiencing depression, having permissive attitudes towards sex and being mean to others.
"The teen’s parents aren’t strict about things like swearing and monitoring the movies they watch or the video games they play, " Kindlon said. "The family doesn’t regularly eat dinner together.
"A child is more likely to be self-centered if he or she gets an allowance without having to do anything for it, " he said.
Kindlon attributes the lenient attitude of parents to numerous factors, including the frequency of both parents in a household to be working. In some cases, he says, they are too tired to enforce the rules. In other cases, they feel guilty for having to spend less time with their children and compensate by giving them things or not making them do chores.
Another issue, he says, is that today’s parents are more likely to depend on their children to make their lives more fulfilling.
"We use our children’s happiness to make us happy, so we are reluctant to be strict about their behavior in ways that would upset them or jeopardize our relationships with them, " he said.
He says that psychologists have contributed to the problem by leading parents to believe that if their child becomes upset, it will lead to emotional damage. But research shows that children whose parents set limits, instill good values and discipline with love are more likely to develop the kinds of coping skills they need for future happiness.
He said 12 percent of the children in his survey were those kinds of kids.
They didn’t use drugs, they weren’t mean, lazy or spoiled, and they weren’t anxious or depressed.
Among other things, they frequently ate dinner with their families, regularly did community service and had to keep their rooms clean.
"If a parent will be consistently strict about even just one chore, " he said, "their child will be better off."
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Reprinted with permission from the Times-Picayune. |