The Process of GriefGrief is an intensely personal process, but caring friends and co-workers can be an important help in a time of bereavement.
"Be strong."
"He’s in a better place."
"It’ll be OK soon."
When a friend is grieving, it’s natural to reach for words you hope will provide some comfort.
But it’s important, grief experts say, to steer clear of clichés and platitudes that, while well-intentioned, may cause additional pain.
Better to Say Nothing Than the Wrong Thing
"It’s better to say nothing at all than to say the wrong thing, " said social worker and grief counselor Deborah Bowen, co-author of "A Good Friend in Bad Times: Helping Others Through Grief."
Bowen, who practices in Wrightsville Beach, N.C., was in New Orleans this week to conduct several workshops on supporting others after a loss.
Grief is an intensely personal experience, she said, but people in the bereaved person’s life, such as friends and co-workers, can play an important role in helping him through the pain.
"Knowing what to say or do is something that people tend to struggle with more now than in previous eras," Bowen said.
Grief and Historical Customs
"Historically, particularly here in the South, there were rules about how you grieved, and rules about how you tended to people who were grieving."
Our 19th century counterparts, for example, typically observed a year of mourning, governed by certain rules of etiquette, and they spent this time surrounded by family members who made sure they were cared for through the long grieving process.
"We live in an instant society now, where we’re expected to return to normal quickly, " Bowen said.
"But grief doesn’t work that way."
Many Phases of Grief
There are many phases of grief, and people often experience a range of emotions, including shock and denial, anger and guilt.
It’s important for friends to understand that such feelings are normal, Bowen said, and to "just allow them to feel whatever they are feeling."
Jan Kahoe, clinical director of Season’s Grief Center in Metairie, stresses that there are no definite "right" things to say because people grieve differently.
Simply saying that you are sorry for the person’s loss can be enough, said Kahoe, who also is director of psycho-social services for St. Joseph’s Hospice.
"And it’s always appropriate to tell the person that if they ever need to talk, you would be happy to sit and listen."
But hold your tongue before saying you know just how the person feels, Bowen said.
"You don’t know how they feel, " she said. "You know how you felt when your mama died, but you don’t know what I’m feeling when my mama died."
Children and Grief
And people should be especially careful what they say to children, Kahoe said.
"You don’t want to say to something like ‘now you’re the man of the house, ’" she said. "That is putting a huge burden on the child.
"It’s enough to just say how sorry you are. And this is true for adults andchildren, it’s so nice for friends to share a story or a memory of that person. Write it down in a letter or on a card. That’s a real comfort and a gift."
Rebecca Dicharry, who works with the bereavement ministry at St. Luke the Evangelist Church in Slidell, said she has found that bereaved people often don’t remember what people say, "unless it was something inappropriate."
Grief and Loneliness
"But they do remember their friends being with them, " she said. "So I think just going and being with someone, telling them you’re thinking about them and that they’re in your prayers, is important."
Friends should remember that bereaved people need their support and caring later as well, said Gail Gaubert, who coordinates the bereavement ministry at St. Andrew the Apostle Catholic Church.
"After a person loses a loved one, everyone rushes there to do something.
That person has all this attention and all these words of comfort, but then in three to four weeks after the loss, they’re left alone again, " she said.
"To me, that’s one of the important times, when they are really feeling the lonesomeness of not seeing that loved one there in the house. I think that’s when people need to make an effort for them, to visit or just to call or say, ‘How are you doing?’ "
How to Help
Deborah Bowen, author of ‘A Good Friend for Bad Times, ’ offers these suggestions for people trying to help others in the first week following a death:
Do . . .
- Send your friend a handwritten note stating that you are thinking about him and are sorry for his loss.
- Telephone to say you are thinking of her.
- Make a brief visit to your friend’s home.
- Listen if your friend needs to talk or cry.
- Be silent if your friend needs silence.
- Offer to do household chores or errands.
Don’t . . .
- Ask personal questions unless you are sure you have a relationship that warrants such questions.
- Make changes in the grieving person’s home unless you are asked to do so.
- Become involved in family discussions and decisions.
- Overstay your welcome.
- Change the topic of conversation if your friend needs to talk.
- Bring small children to the home unless you are sure they are welcome and unless you’ve cleared their presence with the family before you visit.
Reprinted with permission from The Times-Picayune. |