 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Posts Tagged ‘
Bette Freedson ’
Introduction
Eliminating toddler tantrums altogether is impossible. Managing them reasonably well is possible. Tantrum avoidance begins at home. If you do your "home work," you will be more prepared to diffuse tantrums when they occur in the car, in stores, in restaurants or in any places where you want to be, and must be, in charge.
Here is what to do—and keep doing– with tantrums in and out of the house:
1. Achieve Consistency! Have a consistent set of rules and limits, and have a kit of small consequences that you can deploy after a tantrum, or for that matter after any negative behavior that you want to eliminate. You will be creating a trust in your toddler that you WILL respond with a consequence; that you WILL do what you say; that you WILL be on top of behavior issues. Have rules for in the house and out of the house that both parents agree to follow.
2. Create Predictability and Follow Through! Be as consistent and predictable as possible, while refraining from threats, such as "I will knock you upside the head if you do not knock it off!" The parent who says, "If you do this, then I will do that…" and who does not do "that" when the child does "this" is setting up for problems. Predictability lets your child know you mean what you say. This is necessary groundwork for diffusing tantrums when they occur at times when you need your child to know you mean business.
3. Capitalize on Expression and Expectations! Even if the child is very young and may not understand all the words, your tone will convey meaning. When you prepare your child for going out to some other place that you know could be tricky, before you go, you might say, "Sweetheart, you and mommy are going out in the car and mommy expects you to behave. That means no screaming, no whining, and no crying." Note: Once you are out, if the child is very young and does evidence some sort of actual discomfort, it may be a good idea to check out the problem. But, once you determine the child is fine and safe, you can go back to your directive. "Now, you are fine, sweetheart, and I expect no more crying."
4. Use Planned Ignoring—and Follow Through! At that point if crying continues and you are in a place where you can ignore it, ignore it. If the crying continues, and you can return home, tell your little one in a firm voice that the outing cannot continue because she/he is making poor choices, and return home.
5. Have and Use Strategies! Once you and your toddler are out in the tough spots, you will need strategies. They will work better if you have prepared yourself and your child with tips 1 through 4!
- You can use the "If this continues, we will need to leave." Message: This is one a lot of parents use, but do not necessarily follow through with. If you say this and do not leave, it may work once or twice, but it can quickly become empty. If you are prepared to give up the activity once or twice, this might yield benefits for the future.
- Use ignoring if safety is assured. If you are in a place where you do not mind people staring or glaring, and the child is safe, plan to use ignoring. Ignoring can extinguish a tantrum, but it may take a few uncomfortable moments or incidents.
- Use distraction. Distraction will work better with no threats. If you have used the "if you don't stop, I will…" threat, and then use distraction, the distraction can actually reward the unwanted behavior. Bring some items for the child to play with or look at, and try them when things look iffy, and use quickly before things go too far.
- Take a break. In a restaurant or other public place removing the child for a short time can quiet things down. If in the car, you may have to pull into a safe parking spot and ignore till he calms down. When the child quiets down, even for a moment, you can begin to go again. If he starts up again, and you know he is safe, ignore,
- Reward desired behavior. When the tantrum stops or wanes for a few minutes, you have a golden opportunity to offer a reward if the child pulls herself together. However, as with any consequence, you must follow through with any reward you promise in order to get your full benefits for the future.
6. An important Do– and a few important Do Not's! Never shame your child. Name calling and making the child feel bad about himself may have short-term relief, but usually create potential problems in the longer term. Do not use physical punishment, even though you may be at your wits end. It may cause much larger problems overall. Do not promise any reward that you do not intend to deliver. And do not wait long to apply consequences. Do not withhold love, food or shelter or other basic necessities. Do not put toddlers alone in a room or leave them in a car alone. Do not threaten to make them go live with someone else or to give them away. Some of these do nots are obvious, but at a parent's wits end, going to desperate measures can seem appealing.
Do get professional help if the tantrums begin to occur more frequently or if the child becomes self-destructive on some sort of regular basis. Also do consider stress management training for yourself and for any other caretakers who are becoming overly stressed by a child's behavior. And, take heart, all toddlers tantrum. Yours is not an oddity or a casualty of some behavioral downfall. By using the above tips and strategies you will be in prime position to avoid and diffuse tantrums in top spots–and at home.
To find a social worker in your area, please click here.
Tags: Bette Freedson, social workers, temper tantrums
Posted in
Healthy Parenting, Tip Sheets |
No Comments »
By Bette J. Freedson, LICSW, LCSW, CGP
I have many years experience teaching people how to manage stress and cope effectively.
My tips are easily applied and get results.
Tips for Nips
- Breathe deeply and normally from your abdomen, taking deep breaths for further relaxing. The breath can take you physically out of the worry.
- Think in a balanced way. Keep thinking positively without beating yourself up for the worry thoughts. Keep returning to the positive thought and wave the worry on its way.
- Use mental imagery to rehearse difficult situations and to prepare for stressful events that cause you to worry in advance.
- Refrain from worry traps such as catastrophic thinking, black and white thinking, crystal ball thinking, and personalization. All you have to do is recognize them and turn the channel.
- A simple process called S-O-L-V-E can be used for solving problems and making decisions with less worry.
- You can use awareness of the way emotions and thoughts interact to create choices that can be worry-free.
- Intuition is your ally in nipping worry in the bud. You can learn how to manage worry by dipping below the fears into the territory of trust.
###
Bio:
Bette J. Freedson, LICSW, LCSW, CGP is the author of the "Relax and Learn Seminars: Skills For All Seasons," a repertoire of workshops based on the principles of effective stress management. In her work Ms. Freedson emphasizes the power of the mind/body connection to improve decision-making, increase effective coping, reduce time wasted in conflict, boost morale and productivity at work, and create greater harmony in relationships.
Ms. Freedson practices clinical social work at The Listening Place in Lynn, Massachusetts. Besides maintaining an additional private practice in South Berwick, Maine, Bette is Social Work consultant to Maine School Administrative District #35.
Tags: Bette Freedson, Stress Management Tips
Posted in
Stress Management, Tip Sheets |
No Comments »
By Bette Freedson, LICSW, LCSW, CGP
Introduction
"If Only I knew then…….." How often do working mothers, or any mothers, say that to themselves as they think back on the toddler ages of their kids?
Toddlerhood comes on with a fury of needs and activities that keep mom's reflexes responding and her head spinning. There is barely time to meet every need and deal expertly with every situation whether the mother is working inside or outside the home—or, as is often the case– both. Realizations of what could have been done differently, and lessons learned, are often revealed in reflections of the past.
What some of the older moms have learned through experience might be helpful to some of the younger moms now in that wild, wooly and wonderfully sweet period called Toddler.
Twelve Tips
Here is what I learned then– that I know now–and wish I had known then…
- Believe in the unconditional love of your toddler for you.
- Set realistic and reasonable limits.
- Stay consistent in your reactions and responses as much as possible.
- Keep disciplinary measures short and to the point.
- Depersonalize your child's reactions to discipline, limits, and you.
- Keep in mind that children of toddler ages are concrete thinkers, and are not born with innate understanding of concepts grownups may take for granted.
- Know that curiosity is normal. Give answers that are short and make sense. Toddlers do better without tons of detail.
- Inform yourself about normal emotional development.
- Trust you have no need to fear their fears. Know that it is okay for them to need reassurance and a sense of security.
- "Me" time is important. No need for guilt.
- Adopt the motto: This too shall pass. —Second motto: Chaos will not make me crazy.
- Know you deserve to have support.
###
Related Articles:
Bio:
Bette J. Freedson, LICSW, LCSW, CGP is the author of the "Relax and Learn Seminars: Skills For All Seasons," a repertoire of workshops based on the principles of effective stress management. In her work Ms. Freedson emphasizes the power of the mind/body connection to improve decision-making, increase effective coping, reduce time wasted in conflict, boost morale and productivity at work, and create greater harmony in relationships.
Ms. Freedson practices clinical social work at The Listening Place in Lynn, Massachusetts. Besides maintaining an additional private practice in South Berwick, Maine, Bette is Social Work consultant to Maine School Administrative District #35.
Tags: Bette Freedson, Early Childhood Development Tips
Posted in
Early Childhood Development, Tip Sheets |
No Comments »
By Bette Freedson, MSW
Introduction
The best way a parent can encourage their four year old to love learning is to model it! If you love learning (and it doesn't have to be academic), your child will see it, and the encouragement will be a natural.
You did not have to be the star in your school to encourage your kid to love to learn. Just do this. Think about what you love to learn, how you learn best, and about what juices up your own learning excitement.
Some Tips:
- Read, read and read some more to your child, and let your four year old "read" to you. You might choose some stories you liked as a child. You might pick up on what naturally interests your child for choices of what to read– and choices of what to do.
- Take them to museums.
- Take them to gardens, and to lakes and woods.
- Take them on field trips to see things being made. And yes, even to amusement parks. All kinds of fun can turn children on to curiosity about how things work.
Teach your child to do the things you enjoy doing, and be generous with showing your pleasure. The secret is to let your child experience your own joy when you go where you love to go, and do what you love to do.
Four-year-olds are precious sponges, who will soak up your enthusiasm and very possibly be turned on for the rest of their lives. And then, lucky parent, they will teach you!
###
Related Articles:
Bette J. Freedson, LICSW, LCSW, CGP is the author of the "Relax and Learn Seminars: Skills For All Seasons," a repertoire of workshops based on the principles of effective stress management. In her work Ms. Freedson emphasizes the power of the mind/body connection to improve decision-making, increase effective coping, reduce time wasted in conflict, boost morale and productivity at work, and create greater harmony in relationships.
Ms. Freedson practices clinical social work at The Listening Place in Lynn, Massachusetts. Besides maintaining an additional private practice in South Berwick, Maine, Bette is Social Work consultant to Maine School Administrative District #35.
Tags: Bette Freedson
Posted in
Healthy Parenting, Tip Sheets |
No Comments »
Patience is a virtue that can be instilled in children. Patience teaches children the value of delaying gratification, a skill necessary for maturity. Patience can help develop the ability to think through and resolve problems; it can counteract impulsivity and acting out behaviors. The value of patience lies in its ability to lead to inner calm and emotional strength of character. Teaching patience by example helps children learn resilience, self-containment, and the ability to self-soothe. These are qualities needed for emotional maturity.
Teach by modeling. Refrain from snapping impatiently at your children. Use “no-shaming” techniques to help your child understand that she or he may need to wait or take some time before a need is addressed or request is fulfilled.
Take time to look at the child and listen carefully when she is talking to you. Giving your attention even when you are distracted or busy shows the quality of patience more clearly than words can explain it.
When the kids are demanding you to do something right away refrain from yelling at them to "stop," or "be quiet," (or worse.) Instead, explain to the children the reasons you may not be able to fulfill their requests immediately. Match your explanations to the child's age and level of maturity. Offer the child something to do in the interim, and be sure to return to tending to the child's request when you say you will. Having your attention at the end of a period when the child must be patient will be rewarding and tend to reinforce the patient behavior.
Work with your kids to resolve problems when they are frustrated with trying to deal with something. Help to trouble shoot and think things through together. This will demonstrate patience by example. If you both get frustrated, suggest taking a breather, when you both get away from the problem for a few minutes. Then come back together to deal with it.
Practice relaxation techniques that prepare you for patience when your children are trying yours. Teach relaxation skills to the children. Little kids love to daydream. You can try a few minutes of quiet time with them to train them to use this as a patience technique.
Little ones are impatient by nature. They have short attention spans. This is natural. One way to teach patience to kids is by distracting them for short periods of time, if they are demanding attention. Be sure to come back when you say you will. Your return to attending to them will reinforce the patient behavior.
When my daughter was young she was impatient at bedtime and wanted me to sit with her. Because of my own responsibilities I could not do this. To help increase her ability to be patient, I would come back to check on her every 10 minutes or so until she fell asleep. Often she would be asleep on the first check in.
Stories can help little ones be patient. You can use their dolls or stuffed animals, or toy soldiers to make up storylines about patience. This type of teaching by example can be very effective.
Some parents use the television to keep a child quiet. This may be effective to get the child to leave you alone, but does not instill the true quality of patience. This virtue comes from inside out and not from outside in.
Instill self-esteem in little kids with honest feedback as opposed to empty praise for positive behaviors. The better the kids feel about themselves the more able they will be to hold themselves together with authentic patience when the situation requires.
This task will be easier when you have started them young. Many of the same ideas apply such as giving your patient attention and helping children to delay gratification for increasing periods of time, but not extending frustration beyond what is safe or healthy, assuming safety needs are met in general.
As children get older you can explain in words what it means to be patient. However, if you are not patient, that is what they will learn. Your words will carry very little meaning if you are irritable and snappish.
When little Emily lost her favorite stuffed rabbit she was painfully impatient for it to be found. Her mother knew it was in the house, but efforts of all family members had failed to find the bunny. Emily was inconsolable at first, and had trouble falling asleep. Her mother sat with her and normalized her impatience. "It is understandable that you would be impatient because you love to sleep with your bunny. I know your bunny is somewhere here and she will be found. For tonight, let's find another stuffed animal to be your special friend and we will keep looking for bunny." This required patience from Emily's mother. As mother exhibited her own patience with Emily's distress, Emily calmed down. Eventually the bunny was found.
But when little Julia lost her stuffed squirrel in the woods, it could not be found. Mother had to help her get through her loss, patiently explaining that these things happen to everyone. Mother had to hold the patience for her child until Julia was able to attach to another animal. When that happened, it was time to buy another squirrel.
If good teaching/modeling has taken place in childhood, adolescents will have some ability to hold themselves together during stressful or difficult situations. Adolescents require a lot of patience while they go through the initial stage of figuring out who they are.
When young Jane was about 15, her frustration tolerance was limited. With a wrong look or word from her parents, she would beat a path to her room, slam the door and rant. Her parents refrained from following her to her room and assailing her character. Each time they patiently waited for her to emerge. Eventually the emerging time became shorter. Eventually, Jane was able stay present and to talk to her parents about her frustration, rather than to run. Her parents' patient waiting for her each time, and patiently being available to talk rather than telling her what a rotten kid she was, allowed Jane to learn to be patient with herself.
However, when an adolescent is acting out with extreme anger or irritability, or self-destructive behaviors that do not abate, the parent may want to consider the function of the behavior. Is this evidence that there is inherent immaturity and the parent may need to address this with the child? Or might there be some deeper root cause? Remember that professional social workers are equipped to help in situations where chronic and extreme impatience is indicative of a deeper issue. The parent's patience in dealing with the child's problems will teach the child the value of patience although the parent may not see that result for some time.
###
Related Articles:
Tags: Bette Freedson
Posted in
Healthy Parenting, Tip Sheets |
No Comments »
Most psychologists agree—We are what we think. Have you ever tried talking to yourself about tasting a lemon? If so, you will notice something interesting happening in your salivary glands. Your mind believes what you tell it. If you say "lemon," the appropriate responses begin. So then, what happens in your body when you tell your mind that you are a success? A failure? That you can't trust your friend? That your husband is doing the best he can? Your body will believe negative self-talk or positive self-talk. And bio-chemicals will respond accordingly, sending you stress or peace of mind.
Everyone can benefit from learning how to think clearly and use positive self-talk. But for women making our way toward social, interpersonal and career empowerment, it is particularly important to choose positive self talk. Positive self-talk gives the best potential for effectiveness in career, parenting and interpersonal relationships
Negative thinking brings about negative self-talk that can affect all aspects of living, including self-esteem and even physical health. Unfortunately, we do not always know we are deep in the clutches of negative self-talk until we realize that we are depressed or generally feeling rotten. Conscious thinking, as devoid of negativity as possible, is the key to keeping self-talk positive and balanced. Healthy self-talk can head off certain emotional or physical ailments. Negative self-talk, on the other hand, raises the possibility of conflict in relationships, frustration in work settings, and emotional problems.
When a woman is talking nice to herself she will possess a good dose of confidence that will allow her to stand up for herself in conflict or difficult situations at work or in relationship.
Clear, balanced and realistic thinking leads a woman to right thinking and an empowered life. One way to clear your thinking of negative self-talk is to avoid thinking traps. Below is a sample of some of the most common traps and how they can tie a woman up in negativity.
Black and White/Good and Bad thinking is absolute and does not take into account the larger picture of the situation. All or nothing thinking can lead to generalized thinking that causes you to pin negative labels on your partner, your kids, or your boss. Rigid or negative views of others can distort your assessment of a situation in a way that can limit your ability to cope in an effective manner. If you have deemed your husband an @!##@ for example, you will be less likely to hear his perspective in an argument. Keeping your thinking clear of absolutes paves the way for more effective communication.
When you think as if you have a crystal ball, you are at risk to act as if you can read other people's minds, and know what they will do. When you believe you know what someone else will do or feel, without their having told you, (even if you could be correct), you are at risk to behave from assumptions rather than reality.
For example, if you think you know what your best female rival at the job is thinking, you are a risk for "personalization," —that is believing that everything she does or says is somehow related to, or a reaction to you. This can lead to comparing yourself unrealistically to that woman or others. When you personalize you are less able to know what is your responsibility and what is the other person's. Some women are socialized to be people pleasers and apologizers. If you are of this mold, you might be at risk to look in the crystal ball and be unable to hold others accountable for their own choices.
The blame game is related to personalizing. It is thinking in terms of "poor me," or "it's all your fault." Blame game thinking puts you at risk to behave as either a victim or a blamer. Blaming thinking is another trap that does not allow you to fully assess a situation in its various aspects and complexities. This thinking can lead to bad feelings about yourself; unresolved anger; and/or poor coping choices. This type of thinking can be particularly problematic in a career setting where you need to be judicious and think things over in a balanced manner. Blame game thinking can lead to over reacting and acting on impulse. Not a good idea with kids or co-workers.
Shoulding involves thinking that you and other people are supposed to think and/or behave in certain ways. (According to your ideas and values.) When you believe that there is only one set of behaviors that everyone must follow (whether you know you have such rules or not); you are apt to be more interested in proving that you are right rather than looking at a situation as realistically as possible. Shoulding may put you at risk to experience frustration and anger that are difficult to resolve. This type of reacting can cause problems in a work environment, or reduce the chances of solving parenting dilemmas. Shoulding can lead to the mistaken idea that others will change to suit you if you just find the right way to get them to do that. Think about how problematic that might be in your marriage! When you do not "Should" on yourself, you are more likely to grow emotionally. Should thinking is a thief that steals your peace of mind.
"What If" and "If Only "Thinking are forms of disaster thinking often referred to as "catastrophizing." Thinking like this can lead down the path of victim thinking; and is likely to reinforce resentment, fears and anxiety. This type of thinking produces problems in relationships and can lead to depression. It is a peace of mind stealer that compromises your ability to assess a situation clearly and make the best choice of action in your work life or your relational life.
Women deserve equality in the workplace, respect in relationships and satisfaction in all areas of life. Negative Self-Talk will reduce the potential for these outcomes. Clear and healthy thinking, cleaned up of "thinking traps," optimizes the chances for fulfilling relationships, successful careers and empowerment for living life wisely and well.
###
Related Articles:
Tags: Bette Freedson
Posted in
Depression, Tip Sheets |
No Comments »
Introduction
Many single mothers are raising their families on one income. Often that income is small to medium, and often child support is iffy at best. But single moms can live well, manage stress, and instill in their children a sense of self worth and stability.
Following are some tips on how to save money and build self-confidence in the family's ability to cope on one income.
- Attitude matters. How you think about the facts of your life will affect how much stress you experience
- What you say (and how you say it) to your kids will affect the way they view you, themselves and their family.
- Budgeting is a process that will build stability by showing you what you have and what you don't.
- There will be activities and supports in your city, town or community that do not cost money.
- Demonstrate to your children that you believe in them and in your family.
- Build a budget that is a firm but flexible. Organize and stick to your budget. View it as a tool to build structure, rather than as a punishment. As children's ages become appropriate, include them in information about the family budget. Living within the budget in a way that is firm, but flexible where necessary, creates stability and predictability children need, and gives you the confidence.
- Believe in your ability to manage within your budget. Keep your thinking from dipping too often into anger, fear and frustration. Trust in your ability to manage even when you don't have what you wish you had. Believe this and tell this to your kids: "Many families live within a budget, and we can too. If something special comes up that is not within our budget, let's talk about whether it is something we can manage. I love you and I will do my best to see to it that you have what you need, even if sometimes our budget may not allow you to get everything you want."
- Find activities in your area that fit within your budget. Participate in school programs and projects that your child's school offers; utilize free or low cost city or town recreational activities; attend free concerts, and library programs. Depending on where you live, enjoy parks, beaches, wooded (safe) hikes, and other outdoor activities. Show interest in the ways your children play. Your love and caring does not require buying or spending, but your attention will build self esteem in the kids
- Explore ways to cook nutritious low budget meals. Recipes for low budget and nutritious meals can be found on-line. If you don't have a computer in the home, try the library. If you do not use a computer, call the home economics teacher in your local high school and go for a consult. Share recipes for economic and healthy meals with other mothers, single or not.
- Shop wisely. Apply for food stamps, clip coupons, and locate food banks through churches, community centers or other community agencies. Shop in the recycle stores. These stores often benefit worthy causes and sell much of what you need, including toys, at very low cost. Avoid thinking negatively about using food banks or food stamps. These resources exist to help you manage, not to make you feel bad about yourself.
- Refrain from burdening your children (or yourself) with resentment. While you may have negative feelings toward the parent who does not come through with support, expressing these feelings to the children can burden them with fear about the family's ability to manage. Use adult support to work through your resentment. Stay as positive as you can about your life. If you think of yourself as poor, you will feel poor. Worry less about what you think you should have, but rather deal with what you do have. Believe this message and tell it to your kids: "What you have in your wallet does not equal your worth as a person."
- Learn how to stretch your food to save a bit of your budget. Consult with a home economics teacher or look on line for tips on how to stretch your food. For example, a cooked chicken can provide several meals. You can make casseroles, soup, or salads that offer balanced nutrition and taste. Put the bit you save into your rainy day fund. The pennies accumulate!
- Establish supportive relationships with other single mothers. There is strength in numbers. You can take turns watching each other's children in order to have some cost free reenergizing time. You can share meals. (Sometimes four or six can eat as cheaply as three.) You can trade toys as the kids' ages change. You can organize joint savings clubs that make provisions for members to share resources if there is a "rainy day." You can form support groups where you and other single mothers can share your own management experience, as well as express the fears and insecurities that are best not discussed with the kids.
- Help your kids make sense of the family's financial situation. Believe this message and tell it to your kids in age appropriate words. "We are doing our best with what we have. There are many families today who have to pay attention to what they spend. Remember, It is not what you wear on the outside, but what you are inside, that is most important. There are people who will be able to see beyond the surface into the deeper worth and meaning of you as an individual. These are the people you may want as your friends."
Following these guidelines and tips, while believing that you have worth that goes beyond money and things, can put a mega investment into the fund of self-esteem and self-respect for yourself and your kids.
###
Related Articles:
Tags: Bette Freedson
Posted in
Healthy Parenting, Tip Sheets |
No Comments »
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
| |
| | |
