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Posts Tagged ‘ healing ’
Fertility Issues
About Grief and Loss
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Introduction | |
How Can a Social Worker Help? |
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Healing and Time | |
When Someone You Know Is Grieving |
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Stages | |
Needing More Than Just an Open Ear |
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Living With the Overwhelming Loss |
Introduction
If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, no one needs to remind you just how devastated you may be feeling. It is perhaps one of the darkest, most stressful periods in your life. As painful as it is to be in this state, it is a normal, healthy reaction to a loss. Thankfully, it does not last forever.
Although some people who are grieving become physically ill and are unable to eat or sleep, others report feeling numb; still others may isolate themselves, preferring to be left completely alone to their sadness. Everyone experiences grief differently.
Regardless of exactly how grief manifests itself, trust that the upheaval you are feeling is normal and universal. Most people experience a range of emotions, which can include the following:
- Anger
- Denial
- Disbelief
- Shock
- Confusion
- Sadness
- Guilt
- Yearning
Likewise, many people who are grieving speak of very real physical symptoms, such as:
- Loss of appetite
- Low energy level
- Stomach upset
- Headaches
- Sleep disturbances
Mourning can seriously deplete your body's natural defenses, leaving you vulnerable to infection and illness. Existing conditions can worsen or new symptoms may develop. Sadness can give way to major depression, which necessitates professional treatment.
Healing and Time
Many people are surprised by the intensity and duration of their feelings and how quickly their emotions may swing from despair to anger and then back again to shock. This too is normal. Often, the feelings come in waves and can be quite overwhelming.
Grief is a process that takes time. Trust that, while you will never stop yearning for or missing your loved one, the pain will ease eventually.
Also keep in mind that grieving isn't always the result of a death. People grieve after other major losses such as a divorce or a move away from a familiar, comfortable place.
Stages
Immediately after the death of a loved one, people experience bereavement, which is defined as "to be deprived by death." This is a period of deep grieving.
Mourning is the actual process you go through to help you to accept a major loss. This may include religious rituals honoring the person or getting together with friends and family to share the loss. Like grief, mourning is highly personal and can last for months, even years, depending upon your background and traditions. In some Mediterranean cultures, for example, widows were once expected to dress in black for the rest of their lives. In other societies, those in mourning forgo special events or celebrations out of "respect" for the dead.
Losing a loved one is always difficult, but how you react will depend much upon the circumstances of the death. A shocking, unexpected death will unleash different feelings than a death that followed a long, drawn-out illness. Likewise, your relationship to the person is a factor in how you react.
- Death of a spouse can be very traumatic. In addition to the actual loss of a loved one, you may face potential financial woes, especially if that person was the family's main breadwinner. In addition, a surviving spouse may suddenly have to assume all parenting and household responsibilities solo, which calls for a major readjustment.
- Death of a child can evoke an overwhelming sense of injustice and guilt. No matter what the circumstances were, a parent may feel completely responsible for the death, as irrational as it may seem.
- Death via suicide may leave the survivors feeling angry, ashamed, guilty, and even responsible for the death. Suicide is one of the most difficult, disturbing deaths to mourn.
Living With the Overwhelming Loss
Suppressing your feelings does not work. Allowing yourself to grieve is perhaps the healthiest, most effective way to deal with the loss. You can do this in a number of ways, including these:
- Express your feelings – Whether you write them down in your personal journal, or confide them to a trusted friend, it's important to vent your feelings.
- Look for caring people – Join a support group with others who're experiencing the kind of loss you face. Spend time with relatives and friends who understand your situation and are willing to listen to you. Not everyone has this gift.
- Avoid making major life changes – Changing jobs, moving, or deciding to have another baby is not advisable just now. It's better to wait a while and gradually adjust to the loss.
- Look after your own health – The hard work of grieving is stressful and depletes you. Don't ignore regular check ups with your physician. Be mindful of how easy it is to become dependent upon alcohol or medication to ease your pain. Hard as it may be, it pays to eat well, exercise, and get adequate rest.
- Be patient. It can take months, even years to fully process and accept the loss. Ignore those who urge you to "snap out of it," or those who question why you're not "getting over it." Grief is experienced very personally on an individual time-line.
- Seek professional help – If your grief is unbearable, or if you are simply unable to function, it's a good idea to speak to a professional to help work through your grief.
How Can a Social Worker Help?
From linking you with an appropriate support group to helping you make sense of the barrage of official paperwork you must fill out (death certificate, insurance forms, medical bills), social workers can help in a big way. They can point you in the direction of services to which you may be entitled, such as local organizations that can assist you or federal agencies such as the Veterans Administration, which also offer death benefits to families.
A social worker can also help you to determine whether you would benefit from a few sessions with a skilled therapist who can help you sift through the overwhelming, even conflicting feelings you may be experiencing.
Remember, help starts here.
While some social workers work in a hospital, school, or other institutional setting, others in private practice may be self-employed. Social workers make up the largest number of mental health practitioners in the country, and are located in every community.
When Someone You Know Is Grieving
When a friend, neighbor, or relative has lost someone close, you can help them to grieve through their loss.
- Listen. Allow or even encourage them to talk about their feelings and to share their stories and memories of the deceased.
- Avoid offering false comfort. Telling someone, "you'll get over it," or "don't worry, it was all for the best," is not helpful. A direct expression of sympathy, "I'm sorry," is far more effective, as is lending an ear.
- Think practically. Offer to prepare a meal, baby-sit a child, or run errands. A grieving person is overwhelmed and may simply need an extra pair of hands to tend to the practical realities of living.
Do They (or You) Need More Than Just an Open Ear?
If you find yourself using alcohol or drugs (and that includes prescription drugs) excessively following the loss of a love one, do seek out professional help.
Likewise, if you are deeply depressed to the point of feeling suicidal, or simply unable to cope with even the simplest tasks of daily living, contact a mental health professional. Remember, it's not a sign of weakness to admit that you need help. It's a sign of strength.
It's also important to know that you will get through this stage. People the world over endure the losses of loved ones, and do survive. You will, too.
For additional information, contact these organizations:
Related Articles:
Relationships Tip Sheet – Healing from Infidelity
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Introduction |
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Healing |
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Sweeping Negative Feelings Under the Carpet |
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Honest Communication |
Introduction
Life certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the monumental task of healing from infidelity. As a marriage therapist for two decades, I've heard countless clients confess that the discovery of an affair was the lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter trust, many seriously contemplate ending their marriages.
However, it's important to know that, no matter how bleak things might seem, it's possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It's not easy- there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions- but years of experience has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.
Healing
Let the healing begin…
Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse. The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people, marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it's helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages.
If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will undoubtedly feel a whole range of emotions- shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty sleeping or eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you are an emotional person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or conversely, feel at your worst when you are. While unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly normal.
Although you might be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve, it will, but not immediately. Healing from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill rapidly. It's easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm. Eventually, the setbacks will be fewer and far between.
Sweeping Negatives Feelings Under the Carpet
Although some people are more curious than others, it's very common to have lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. If you have little interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened, ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing your spouse is willing to "come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster. Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes genuine healing unlikely.
Once there is closure on what actually happened, there is typically a need to know why it happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to the bottom of things, it could happen again. Unfortunately, since the reasons people stray can be quite complex, the "whys" aren't always crystal clear.
No one "forces" anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if it doesn't feel that way. If you were unfaithful, it's important to examine why you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Did you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a sexual addiction?
It's equally important to explore whether your marriage is significantly lacking. Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy, they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored. Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage.
Honest Communication
If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that together you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem, consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a communication skill-building class. There are many available through religious organizations, community colleges and mental health settings.
Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse. You can't apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never commit adultery again. Although, since you are working diligently to repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious, they aren't. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your commitment to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly important during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant.
Conversely, talking about the affair can't be the only thing you do. Couples who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both talking about their difficulties and spending time together without discussing painful topics. They intentionally create opportunities to reconnect and their nurture their friendship. They take walks, go out to eat or to a movie, develop new mutual interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will be more interested in spending discussion-free time after the initial shock of the affair has dissipated.
Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right- be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy, and still, the marriage won't mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself. Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection.
But forgiveness doesn't just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in your life? Decide to forgive today.
2002 Copyright – Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved.
To read more articles on marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis, go to www.divorcebusting.com.
The opinions expressed in this article are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect those of the National Association of Social Workers or its members.
