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- Teaching Kids Patience
- Teaching Kids Honesty
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- Tips for Single Parents
- How Do We Communicate with Our Children about These Economically Stressful Times?
- Three Questions About Troubled Teens
- Practical Tips for Lesbian and Gay Parents Raising Teenagers
- Slowing It Down: Parenting in an Age of Anxiety
- Acuerdo de Responsabilidad Paternal
- Responsible Parenting Guidelines
- Dealing With the Holiday Blues – A Special Note to Single Parents
- The Lost Art of Play
- Children and Divorce
- The Brady Bunch and Other Stepfamily Myths
- Who Gets Custody of the School Play? Stepfamily Issues
- Managing Children’s Anger About Divorce or Separation
- Preparing for In Vitro Fertilization: Emotional Considerations
- Pregnancy Loss: Healting the Invisible Loss
- How to Take a Breath and Raise a Kid With Confidence and Heart
- Tips for Divorcing Parents Regarding Their Children
- Parenting a Child With Special Needs: Understanding and Addressing the Emotional Dynamics
- Evaluating a Child Care Center
- Parenting Adolescents: What Works
- Getting Your Child to Break Bad Habits
- Preventing Teen Substance Use Disorders
- The Importance of Being a Good Role Model: Parenting in Native Alaskan Villages
Posts Tagged ‘ parenting ’
Healthy Parenting Tip Sheets
Healthy Parenting Tip Sheet – The Importance of Being a Good Role Model: Parenting in Native Alaskan Villages
NOTE: Ms. Julie Niven is social worker practicing in the Bering Straits region of Alaska.
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Introduction |
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The Greatest Gift |
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Important Lessons |
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The Traditional Native Alaskan Lifestyle |
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Discipline |
Children of all ages learn from everything they see, hear, and do and from everyone they meet. Children learn from their teachers, from the clinic health aides, from those they visit with and observe in their communities, and most importantly from their parents. Parenting is probably the most important job on the planet. Being a good role model is one of the most important parts of parenting.
Research shows that as few as 15 quality minutes daily with your child can make a world of difference in a child's healthy development. Who better to entrust the future of one's culture with than one's child? Each day take time to talk and listen to your child. Each day teach your child through example the traditional values that sustain healthy village life.
The Greatest Gift
In every village I visit I hear parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles telling children, "I love you." These three words are one of the greatest gifts a child can be given. Followed up with a hug or extended hand to hold increases the gift's value. An equally important daily gift can be that of sharing time with your child. Sharing oneself with one's children helps children feel safe. When children feel safe, they are able to reach out, interact with the world around them, and learn.
What is success and how can parents role model success for their children? Success can mean a high school diploma or a college degree to some. To others, success can mean being a family provider, a carver, skin sewer, beader, or weaver. Parents must decide how they define success within their family and then work to role model this for their children.
Important Lessons
Being a good role model for your children will not always win parents the "most popular" award. Saying "no" when necessary and giving children age appropriate restrictions probably will not be something your children will thank you for now, but so many times they will come back to thank you after they have grown up!
Some of the important lessons to role model for children include:
- How to manage disappointment and how to calm oneself when angry
- How to stand up for oneself in nonviolent ways when called names and bullied
- How to find support in friends, teachers and extended family members
- How to show respect – listen to parents, and elders, and not talk back
- How to have healthy, safe relationships – both with friends and in dating relationships
- How to study and do well in school
- How to set goals for a happy future
- How to be a helpful member of the household by doing one's share
- How to turn down drugs and alcohol – as substance use conflicts with traditional values
- How to have fun, laugh and play safely
- How to share – both one's things as well as oneself
- How to value life – as self-harm and harm to others conflicts with traditional values
Many of the skills listed above mirror Native Alaskan traditional values. Parents teach the traditional value of sharing and taking care of others as they themselves take good care of their children day to day. Providing food, clothing and a warm place to sleep satisfies a child's physical needs. Teaching skills through hunting, gathering, food preparation/storage, craftwork and dancing helps take care of a child's mental and emotional need to feel connected to his or her culture. Teaching children about a caretaker we cannot see helps provide spiritual nurturance.
Role modeling the traditional lifestyle teaches children how to set goals and plan for the future. Boats, four-wheelers and snow machines must be maintained and readied before the hunt. Guns, harpoons and ulus must be kept clean and ready year round. When parents role model respect for the tools used to survive, children learn respect not only for practical things but for themselves and others as well.
The Traditional Native Alaskan Lifestyle
The traditional lifestyle brings surplus and scarcity as the seasons change. Participating as a member of the family or a hunting team helps a child learn how to manage disappointments and anger. The skills parents teach their children at home, out on the tundra, river or sea can help children better manage frustration during their school day as well. Elders know that things are not always going to go the way we want them to, but that it is no good to give up.
When parents model patience and a never-give-up attitude, children grow up relying on their wits rather than alcohol and drugs to manage disappointment. Alcohol and drug use is especially dangerous when young people are angry, as so many instances of self harm and harm towards others occur while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Children cannot learn how to take care of themselves, the land and each other when they are having thoughts of self harm. If your child tells you he or she is thinking about hurting him or herself, listen and take your child seriously. This is a time when parents often need help outside of the family. Clinic staff, a behavioral health worker, a pastor or tribal healer are resources ready to help when called upon.
Discipline
“Yuut elluatumek piaqata tamaa kiturtelaraat” translated means people who do wrong are corrected on the spot. Disciplining children is probably the most difficult part of parenting. Parents naturally want to give everything to their children and want their children to always be happy. But “no” is a word we all need to learn to deal with.
Self-discipline is learned through sharing what we might like to keep for ourselves, by accepting that we aren't always going to be the one to bring home the catch, by respectfully listening to our elders' advice even when we think we know it all already, and by respecting and taking care of ourselves even when we don't feel like it. Parents can teach good behavior by correcting their children on the spot when they do something that goes against traditional values. Parents can role model self-discipline by correcting themselves when they make mistakes as well. Mistakes are a normal part of living. The value is in the lesson learned from the mistake.
Being a good parent is not always easy. Social workers can help with parenting concerns and challenges. Seek help as you feel you need it from friends, family, pastors, tribal healers, clinic staff or a mental health worker. It is wise to ask for help when we need it.
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Healthy Parenting – Your Options: Raising Confident and Secure Children
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Introduction |
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Temperament Makes a Difference |
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Know Your Child’s Strengths and Weaknesses |
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Set Clear Limits |
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Listen to Your Children |
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Learning from Mistakes |
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How Social Workers Help |
Strong self-esteem is the foundation for success in many areas, including social, educational, athletic and career pursuits. For example, a healthy and positive self image may help also protect children from abusing drugs and alcohol, entering unhealthy relationships, and engaging in delinquent behavior as they grow up. Raising your children to have positive self-esteem is an arduous, but extremely rewarding process.
Temperament Makes a Difference
Some children may have a more difficult time developing a positive self image because of their temperament. As adults, we need to be aware of these inborn traits that cause children to respond differently to praise, punishment, and frustration. By recognizing the distinct traits of your children, you may become more empathic and understanding parents. Raising "difficult" children may require a parenting style different from the kind that works with "easy going children". If you appreciate and accept each child's unique personality and incorporate this recognition into your parental behaviors and expectations, the child's self-esteem is likely to improve.
Know Your Child's Strengths and Weaknesses
Accurately viewing your children can help bolster their self-esteem. Develop an inventory of your child's strengths and weaknesses. Take care to list actual positive and negative traits as opposed to traits you would like your children to display. Reinforcing positive qualities is a successful way to bolster self-esteem. Parental approval and encouragement can shape children's behavior so look for opportunities to praise. Be careful not to flatter excessively because this could put too much pressure on the child. Assess the negative qualities as well, looking for such counter-productive coping mechanisms as quitting, cheating, regression, controlling, bullying, denial, and impulsive behavior. Some undesirable behaviors may be a matter of personal style or part of a transient phase in a child's development. While recognizing both the positive and negative traits, you can help your children meet their needs in a healthier and more productive manner.
Set Clear Limits
Setting clear limits and consequences and balancing rigidity with flexibility are critical for children's development. Parents should attempt to blend nurturance and acceptance with realistic expectations, clear cut rules, and logical consequences. Parents should also act in a consistent manner to their children's behaviors as they occur. When disciplining, parents should stay away from judgmental, attacking language which could lower your child's self-esteem.
Listen to Your Children
Listen carefully to your children — this attention can be critical to the development of high self-esteem. Since many things compete for our attention in today's hectic world, we sometimes have trouble focusing. Try to set aside a certain amount of time, even if it is only five or ten minutes after school, to give your child your full, undivided attention. Turn off your cell phones; let the answering machine pick up. Listen actively to your child, ask questions and remember key points. Try to understand the point of your child's story and how he or she feels when relaying the information. Remember that you do not have to fix everything; the child may just need to air his or her feelings.
Children need to feel safe to express themselves even when strong feelings are involved. Although those feelings sometimes worry or alarm us, we should never deny a child's right to feel a certain way.
Additionally, we should not draw comparisons with the way other children might feel in a similar situation. All feelings are valid, but the way they are expressed may not be appropriate. Help your children find different ways to air their feelings. Encourage your kids to use their imagination when describing how they feel. Try to think of a story about yourself that demonstrates that you can handle intense emotions in a healthy manner. Remember, that you as the parent are the most important role model for your children.
Learning from Mistakes
As adults, we should let our children know that making mistakes is an acceptable part of life. Instead of being defeated by mistakes, we can learn from them. Therefore, children should be encouraged to take appropriate risks even if it means that they make mistakes. If children view their mistakes as learning experiences as opposed to indications of their incompetence, they will continue to take risks. The ability to persevere with difficult tasks and recover from failure are signs that a child feels good about himself or herself. Our encouragement and acceptance of mistakes as an integral part of growing up will teach children how to be kind and patient with themselves. Confident and secure children will become their own best friends. They will gain the ability to encourage and support themselves through life's difficult moments. Helping your children build positive self-esteem will pave the way for your children to lead happy and successful lives. No other experience could be more rewarding for a parent.
How Social Workers Help
According to the latest statistics social workers provide more than half of the nation's mental health services. Licensed social workers are now on the front lines of services to children, adults and families in all areas of mental health, family counseling, developmental disabilities, health care, and faith based services etc. Social workers' training and theoretical emphasis on an eco-systemic approach makes them well suited and the primary professional involved in the burgeoning home, school and community based settings. It is my hope that this brief article on building self-esteem, will be used by the many social workers who are having a daily impact on the millions of kids and families that they work with.
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Adoption and Foster Care – How Social Workers Help: Options for Success
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Introduction |
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An Ideal Candidate |
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Looking for “the Perfect Infant” |
In my role as supervisor of Resource Parent Training with the Child and Family Services Agency in the District of Columbia, I talk with and meet prospective foster and adoptive parents everyday. Once an individual who is interested in foster care or adoption submits an application at one of our Orientation sessions, I call them to schedule an office appointment. During this brief meeting, I explain the required paperwork and give them a folder of documents to work on prior to the pre-service training class they are planning to attend.
All applicants must complete a 30-hour program (the Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting) as part of the licensing process; these classes are held twice a week for five weeks. We start a new class every month of the year except December and we offer different combinations of class times so applicants have many opportunities to enroll. Though time-consuming for both presenters and participants, these classes are fun and rewarding. As a supervisor, I no longer am required to teach, but I sometimes volunteer to train with a new social worker in my unit or pinch-hit when someone is unavoidably absent. I always enjoy the time I spend in the classroom.
An Ideal Candidate
Recently, I met with a woman who I’d describe as the ideal candidate to be a foster or adoptive parent for a child from the Washington, DC neglect system. After speaking with her, I felt rejuvenated and reaffirmed in my conviction that I’m in the right place doing the job I need to be doing. What was it about her that made me feel this way? A number of factors come to mind: She had been thinking about adoption and foster care for a long time and had been informally helping children in her community – through tutoring and being a welcoming neighbor for many years. She had indicated on her application that she was interested in adoption but as soon as I asked her whether she’d also consider being a foster parent, she said, “yes.” Her level of openness signaled to me immediately that she is likely to be very successful in working with our foster care system.
This applicant was also forthcoming about several challenges she had faced in her own life. In our pre-service training, we stress how important it is to be able to talk about our own losses as adults so that we can be a guide for children who are suffering from the trauma of abuse and neglect combined with the loss of their birth family. This applicant exhibited an immediate comfort level with sharing some of these aspects of her life. At the same time, the information she provided on her application in addition to areas we discussed clearly established that her home life and career are stable and that she is in a reasonably financially secure position. We don’t look for applicants with high incomes, but all too often people come to the agency hoping to be foster parents when their own houses are not in order.
This applicant also expressed a willingness to engage with school age and older children. She was even interested in sibling groups, adolescents and teens who she could mentor into adulthood, even though they may maintain ties with members of their birth families. She communicated a sound appreciation for the needs of the children and youth and was able to set their needs clearly ahead of her own. She expressed a desire to build a family of her own through adoption while at the same time being open to helping children in a variety of ways as she moved towards this goal.
Looking for "the Perfect Infant"
In contrast, I often speak with applicants who come with a narrow view of the type of child they are willing to consider parenting. Sadly, couples that have suffered infertility come to our agency hoping we can provide them with the perfect infant they have longed for or lost through miscarriage. When they hear that the majority of the babies committed to our system have been born drug-exposed or that we cannot guarantee that they will be available for adoption until we rule out any and all members of the birth family, these applicants can become deeply frustrated and hurt. I have to explain that this is one of the critical differences between a child welfare agency and an adoption agency: though we pursue adoption as a viable permanency goal whenever appropriate, our first mandate is to work with the birth family, except in extreme cases where reunification is not an option. I have witnessed a number of successful infant placements in my six years with the agency, as well as several painful disappointments.
I also speak with a number of well-meaning prospective foster/adoptive parents who feel that only a child under the age of five is “salvageable,” and that the older children are already “set in their ways.” I always tell prospective foster and adoptive families that I believe each family should pursue what feels right for them and never feel coerced into accepting a child into their home when the fit isn’t right, for whatever reason. But that being said, I also know the best rewards will come to those whose minds and hearts are the most open. I tell people too that having a child through whatever means – adoption, foster or kinship care, or biologically – takes a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. I’m not sure I could do what successful foster and adoptive parents do everyday, but I know what it takes.
Related Articles:
Adoptions and Foster Care Tip Sheet
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Why Should I Become a Foster Parent? |
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What Are a Foster Parent’s Essential Duties? |
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Other Functions |
Why Should I Become a Foster Parent?
Here is a general list of characteristics of successful foster parents and some of the duties they can expect to perform.
- I enjoy helping children grow positively!
- I am a caring, mature person who gets satisfaction from helping others.
- I have the time and energy to devote to working through behavioral problems with children.
- I want to contribute to the life of a child or young person with special needs.
- I enjoy teamwork and working with other people.
- I am naturally optimistic and successful at embracing the many challenges of life.
- I want the opportunity to grow personally and professionally through pre-service and in-service training programs.
What Are a Foster Parent’s Essential Duties?
- Provide family atmosphere in which physical and emotional needs are met.Provide a temporary clean, safe, and nurturing environment.
- Ensure all necessary health care (including dental) as specified by his/her pediatrician.
- Assist the therapist and other team members in the development of treatment plans by attending treatment team meetings.
- Monitor and coordinate with school systems regarding attendance and progress, and attend parental conferences and activities.
- Assume primary responsibility for implementing the in-home treatment strategies specified in the treatment plan.
- Develop and maintain positive working relationships with service providers in the community such as schools, department of recreation, social service agencies, and mental health programs and professionals.
- Advocate on behalf of the child/youth to achieve treatment plan, to obtain education, vocational, medical, and other services needed to implement the plan.
- Assist the child/youth in maintaining contact with his/her biological family and aid in visitation when indicated in the treatment plan.
- Continually upgrades skills and knowledge through reading, workshops, and at least 30 hours of in-service training each year.
- Partner with team members in helping youth achieve permanency.
- Inform the caseworker of any problems.
Other Functions
- Assist with identifying and integrating interested families into treatment foster care.
- Through phone calls and letters, advocate for the treatment foster care program with regards to pending legislation.
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Healthy Parenting Current Trends – Strategies of Parenting
Introduction
When providing therapy it is common to see patterns, especially within families. More and more, I am seeing two types of kids in my practice. There are kids who make mistakes, experience natural and logical consequences of their actions, and make better choices. Those kids are easy to deal with from a parenting standpoint, because they seem to learn from their mistakes.
Most parenting programs advocate that parents need to create consequences that fit the misbehavior. For example, a child who is late for a basketball game loses car privileges for the weekend. Tommy doesn't brush his teeth. The parent withdraws snacks for the day and explains that sugar causes decay and if Tommy is unwilling to brush the decay out of his teeth they will not allow him extra sugar. Sandy doesn't do her homework and loses chat time from the computer, because homework comes before social time. You get the concept.
The second type of kid is the one who makes mistakes and doesn't seem to be affected by their choices or the consequences imposed upon them. This poses a problem for parents. Understandably, parents want to impose consequences that will make a difference in their child's life.
Parenting Strong-Willed Children
Parents with strong-willed children come in frustrated and discouraged because they cannot figure out what they can do to get their children to make better decisions. Their children consistently want to do things their way. If you look at the behaviors, it seems like everything revolves around them and they have no regard as to how their actions affect others. For this type of kid I recommend a parenting approach that teaches "the lessons of life".
The parents job is to reinforce societal rules and if a child breaks a rule the parent needs to find a consequence that matches the "misbehavior". That's all they can do. Their job is to be consistent and set up guidelines. They can't force a child to conform. The child has to figure that out for themselves.
The sad part is, the parents understandably want a formula for change. It's scary to think that there isn't a recourse to get a child to conform, but many kids have to do it their way despite the fact that it's the wrong way. Luckily, these kids usually figure it out in their mid- to late 20s, after they have been totally independent and have experienced the "school of hard knocks".
If you have one of these types of kids, and you are consistently using the strategy that when A happens (misbehavior), then B occurs (the consequence), know that you are doing absolutely everything you can to help that child make better decisions. You are laying the groundwork and building the foundation for that child to eventually figure it out.
Kids need their parents to validate and encourage them. They need their parents to love them unconditionally. Obviously, the crux of parenting is being there for your child. Emotionally, financially, and physically. When kids make mistakes repeatedly, it may require that you withdraw some of the emotional, financial, and physical support. You are teaching them the consequences of life and societal norms. Also, trust your instincts. If you think something is wrong, investigate it. Perhaps a social worker can help.
Here is the good news. Kids who are strong-willed usually figure it out as adults. So, continue to keep the faith, and most importantly, take care of yourself in the process. Why focus on yourself? Raising one of these types of children can take a toll on your mental health. You are not a failure if your child has to learn from the "school of hard knocks". Be consistent. Stay emotionally detached. Yet, love them unconditionally. They will appreciate it…at age 29.
To read more by Carol Jurgenson-Sheets, ACSW, LCSW go to http://www.carolthecoach.com/products.htm
The opinions expressed in this article are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect those of the National Association of Social Workers or its members.
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Healthy Parenting Resources
Covering Kids & Families
Covering Kids & Families (CKF) works to reduce the number of uninsured children and adults who are eligible for public health care coverage programs but not enrolled. The organization operates through statewide projects in 45 states and the District of Columbia and more than 140 local community projects. In addition, five states have CKF liaison grants that provide opportunities to participate in the national CKF initiative.
http://coveringkidsandfamilies.org
Family Education.com
FamilyEducation.com provides parents parents with school solutions, homework help, parenting tips, and expert advice.
www.familyeducation.com
Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN)
GLSEN, or the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, now in its 10th year, is the leading national education organization focused on ensuring safe schools for ALL students.
The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network strives to assure that each member of every school community is valued and respected regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.
http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/home.html
National Center for Fathering
The mission of the National Center for Fathering is to improve the well-being of children by inspiring and equipping men to be more effectively involved in the lives of children. In response to a dramatic trend towards fatherlessness in America, the Center was founded in 1990 by Dr. Ken Canfield to conduct research on fathers and fathering, and to develop practical resources to prepare dads for nearly every fathering situation.
www.fathers.com
National Fatherhood Initiative
National Fatherhood Initiative's mission is to improve the well being of children by increasing the proportion of children growing up with involved, responsible, and committed fathers. We accomplish our mission through: (1) educating and inspiring all Americans, especially fathers, through public awareness campaigns, research, and other resources; (2) equipping and developing leaders of national, state, and community fatherhood initiatives through curricula, training, and technical assistance; and (3) engaging every sector of society through strategic alliances and partnerships.
www.fatherhood.org
National Youth Advocacy Coalition (NYAC)
The National Youth Advocacy Coalition is a social justice organization that advocates for and with young people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or questioning (LGBTQ) in an effort to end discrimination against these youth and to ensure their physical and emotional well being. The National Youth Advocacy Coalition takes a comprehensive approach to improving the lives of LGBTQ youth and operates through a social justice framework.
http://www.nyacyouth.org/
Parents Anonymous
Parents Anonymous Inc. is the the nation’s oldest child abuse prevention organization, dedicated to strengthening families and building caring communities that support safe and nurturing homes for all children. Parents Anonymous leads a dynamic international network of 267 accredited organizations and local affiliates that implement quality Parents Anonymous Programs for adults and children. Parents Anonymous provides training and technical assistance, develops publications and conducts research on meaningful Parent and Shared Leadership, systems reform and effective community-based strategies to strengthen families.
http://www.parentsanonymous.org/paIndex1.htm
Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays (PFLAG) is a national non-profit organization with over 200,000 members and supporters and over 500 affiliates in the United States. PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, their families and friends through: support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy, to end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights. Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays provides opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and gender identity, and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of human diversity.
http://www.pflag.org/
Partnership for Parents
The Partnership for Parents is a Web-based support network for parents of children with serious illnesses. The organization’s Web site is designed to be a haven where parents can feel the solace of kindred spirits while finding the information they need to cope with their situation and navigate their difficult journey.
www.partnershipforparents.org
SAMHSA Family Guide
SAMHSA.gov is a public education Web site, developed to support the efforts of parents and other caring adults to promote mental health and prevent the use of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs among 7- to 18-year-olds.
http://family.samhsa.gov/
Stop It Now!
Stop It Now!was founded in 1992 by Fran Henry, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, who recognized that standard ideas about preventing sexual abuse of children weren't working. Stop It Now! believes that all adults must accept the responsibility to recognize, acknowledge and confront the behaviors that lead to the sexual abuse of children. The organization offers adults tools they can use to prevent sexual abuse – before there's a victim to heal or an offender to punish. For more than 10 years, its national toll-free Helpline (1-888-PREVENT) has provided thousands of adults a unique outlet to confidentially voice their concerns. Stop It Now! provides support, information and resources that enable individuals and families to keep children safe and to create healthier communities.
www.stopitnow.org
About Healthy Parenting
In the 1950s, the typical family consisted of Mom as the homemaker, Dad as the breadwinner, and two children, became the traditional American standard. Since then, society has changed and so has the family. Women have more options for choosing when and how many children to have. The head of the household today may be a single father, a grandmother, or a teenage mom.
Family life never seems to run as smoothly as it was portrayed in the 1950s' TV sitcoms. The fast pace of life, high divorce rate, rising inflation, and job demands tax parents, often to the limit. But parenting help is available from more sources than ever before. With help, both traditional and nontraditional families can create a secure and supportive home life from which children mature into successful, productive adults.
In a newly blended family, the merging of two parents, children, pets, and the emotional baggage from previous relationships can create a stressful home. Many stepparents fantasize that family members will bond instantly into a cohesive unit that will heal a family torn apart by death or divorce.
In reality, it often takes years for stepfamilies to create new family traditions and to build loving relationships. Some stepchildren, especially teenagers, may never develop a close relationship with their stepparent.
Some of the common problems that stepparents experience include conflicts over child discipline, dealing with former spouses, and worry about how their children will adapt. Children may feel divided loyalties between the biological parent and the stepparent, have rivalry with stepsiblings, and struggle with belonging to two households with different rules and expectations.
Stepparents who take a realistic view of their new situation can build a stable, happy home with time. Be patient and talk with other stepparents who can be a source of support. Social workers can help family members deal with various lifestyle and relationship adjustments when two households combine into one.
Single Parents
The single parent home can be a result of loss from separation, divorce, or even death. In addition, some people are choosing to raise biological or adoptive children as single parents from the beginning. Instead of two parents making the family decisions and sharing the responsibilities, the single parent carries the burdens—and the joys—alone. The parenting and household responsibilities can seem overwhelming at times.
Single parents and their children need time to adapt to the new situation and in situations of loss of any type to grieve for relationships that have ended. Encourage children to talk about their feelings or to speak with a teacher, mentor, or other family member about their loss. Shield children from arguments with a former spouse, and avoid confiding in them about adult responsibilities and issues. Parents often find it helpful to seek outside support to discuss their own feelings and find strategies to cope with single parenthood.
Although the single-parent household has a unique set of challenges, single parents can build a strong, stable, and nurturing environment in which their children thrive. The Parents Without Partners Organization provided these suggestions for single parents.
- Focus on the benefits of single parenting. Children often feel less stress after a divorce if their parents' marriage was full of conflict.
- Avoid moving children immediately to a new neighborhood or school. Too many changes in a child's life can be extremely stressful.
- Establish firm, clear boundaries for children and provide consistent discipline.
- Communicate with children about where they will live, when they will see the other parent, and what they will tell their friends.
- Avoid putting children in the middle of an argument with the former spouse by asking them to take sides.
- Do not set time limits for yourself or for your children on how long it takes to adjust to the new situation.
- Develop a reliable support system of people who can offer emotional support, childcare, companionship, and help in emergencies.
- Seek help if necessary. Help is available through community support groups and single-parenting programs. Social workers and counselors can provide valuable guidance and professional advice.
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
More than 2.4 million grandparents are parenting a second time around, and for many different reasons. A parent may be unable to care for children due to financial pressures, illness, or other life hardship. Some grandparents rescue their own grandchildren from entering the child welfare system when the children's parents cannot care for them because of alcohol and substance abuse, incarceration, domestic violence, or divorce. Grandparents give of their time and money raising grandchildren.
When grandparents step in to help the family, they may not receive the same state financial support that foster parents receive. Therefore, many use their retirement savings or limited income to pay for the children's necessities. The children may not be eligible for health care under the grandparent's insurance policy due to legal issues.
The emotional burden can pay a heavy toll. Grandparents put their lives on hold, and many lose friendships due to the commitment of raising children who may have been traumatized and are angry and confused by the turmoil in their lives.
As the number of grandparents raising their grandchildren increases, so too do the options for community resources, particularly in social services organizations. Grandparents may need help finding financial resources, assistance with special-needs children, legal resources and advice, and support groups. Social workers can help provide some solutions to make the job of parenting a second time a little easier.
Gay and Lesbian Parents
Families headed by same-sex couples can provide children the same nurturing and healthy environment as heterosexual parents, according to the American Psychological Association.
In fact, despite concerns about children's welfare in LGBT families, studies show that children of gay or lesbian partners have normal relationships with peers and experience no developmental delays or any known negative effects within the family.
Children's experiences outside of the family are a different matter, however. Students of lesbian or gay parents are victims of harassment and bullying at the same rate as students who are gay themselves. These children are often the target of ridicule due to prejudice and intolerance in the classroom and neighborhood. (For more information on bullying see Tips for Parents Dealing with Bullying.)
Their family situation may also subject them to a higher standard of success in school and social situations. Any weaknesses or flaws could be perceived as a result of having parents with an alternative lifestyle.
Although special challenges for children of gay or lesbian parents may be almost inevitable in our society today, LGBT parents can find resources to help children cope. Becoming involved in support groups with others experiencing similar problems can help them feel less isolated. Social workers can also help locate community resources for parents and provide counseling for children who are teased unfairly for their parents' choices.
Teenage Pregnancy and Parenting
While most teenage girls are focused on fashion, friends, and high school homework, each year, nearly 1 million teenagers, age 15 to 19, become pregnant. More than 400,000 babies were born to teenagers in 2002, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The news of a teenage pregnancy can be a shock for the young couple and for their parents. The pregnant teenager and her parents may grieve, realizing that their dreams for the future will change. Although a majority of teenage mothers complete high school, they are less likely than other teenagers to go on to college.
While the parents may be embarrassed by their daughter's pregnancy, she may feel terrified at the idea of becoming a mother too soon. Pregnant teens need their parents' support at this time more than ever; and the family may need outside support to deal with the emotional and physical aspects of pregnancy and parenting.
As teenage mothers and fathers soon discover, parenting is a huge responsibility. Teens may have unrealistic expectations about caring for a baby, and often experience frustration and resentment. Teenage parents are at a higher risk for abusing and neglecting their babies. Social workers and counselors can help the family make important decisions and deal with emotional issues and lifestyle changes that come with having a new baby in the family. Social workers can also counsel teens about the importance of pregnancy prevention if this is needed.
Adoption
When deciding where to adopt a child, prospective parents must consider their ideal age of the child, the amount of contact they want with the birth parents, the nationality, race, and other characteristics of the child, adoption fees, and the waiting period prior to adoption. The National Adoptiona Information Clearing House (NAIC) offers useful guidelines for prospective adoptive parents.
When parents bring home their new adopted bundle of joy, they often experience ambivalent feelings. Although they are excited to finally have a new son or daughter, they grapple with feelings that biological parents do not share.
Birth parents have the duration of the pregnancy to think about the birth, parenting issues, and a pending lifestyle change. Adoptive parents, however, often do not want to get their hopes up about raising the baby, only to be devastated if the birth mother changes her mind, or if the adoption process fails. In many states, the birth parents have several months or even up to a year to change their minds about the adoption. Adoptive couples may have only a few days to prepare for the homecoming, and have to come to terms with feelings and issues after they bring the new baby or child home.
While adoptive parents are learning how to change diapers and cope with a colicky baby, they may also still be struggling with feelings about their infertility problems and their lost dream for a biological child. New parents also worry about what the child will look like, whether the child will be able to relate to them, and how friends, neighbors, and others will react, especially if the child is from another culture.
Older children from another country may speak a different language and will require an acclimation period to become comfortable with their new culture. It is recommended that adoptive parents teach children about their birth culture and foster an interest in foods, celebrations, and holidays from that culture to help youth develop their sense of identity.
Foster Parenting
Foster parents open their home to children and commit to providing protection, guidance, and nurturing for children who have entered the foster care system but who are not in their custody. The process of becoming foster parents typically occurs after foster parents complete a home assessment process and attend training. They must demonstrate that they are responsible and financially and emotionally stable.
When a child arrives, the foster parents have a challenging task. In addition to helping the child become acclimated to the family and neighborhood, they must also address the child's special needs; find medical or mental health professionals to help with problems; work with the social agency that placed the child; and find needed support and services in the community.
Foster parents receive a monthly reimbursement that varies in amount by state to help offset the costs of food, clothing, and other necessities. Medical care and counseling services are provided for children at no charge to foster parents.
Parenting Styles
Researchers have outlined three different parenting styles: authoritative, permissive, and assertive. Parents generally do not fall into only one category, but may change styles depending on the circumstances.
Authoritative parents value obedience and order. They tend to set strict rules and give children commands, allowing little room for choices and freedom of expression. Under this parenting style, children are more likely to become followers and depend on others for making decisions. They may also rebel strongly to strict rules and become defiant. While some choose this method, research indicates that it is important that children be allowed to make some choices for themselves.
On the other hand, permissive parents set too few rules and guidelines. They rarely enforce rules and provide little structure for children. Although this style allows children to be self-expressive, they may feel insecure because they don't know where their boundaries are, and they often have difficulty accepting responsibility.
Finally, assertive parenting provides children with appropriate guidelines. Parents are firm and consistent with rules and expectations. At the same time, children are allowed to make choices while parents help them realize the consequences of their choices and actions. Children of assertive parents are more likely to be responsible and independent, make wise choices, and have the ability to deal with resentment and anger constructively.
Promoting a Healthy Family
What does a healthy, close family look like? Here are 10 characteristics provided by the University of Missouri Extension. Healthy families:
- Spend quality time together
- Are committed to one another; are proud to belong together; and show appreciation for each other
- Share responsibility by participating in decision-making
- Communicate effectively by listening and encouraging each other to share in conversation
- Plan for change by being flexible and adaptable
- Balance home, work, and outside activities
- Build connections with other people, especially grandparents and other relatives who can offer support.
Many parents say that parenting is the most challenging job they have ever had. It can be a life-long venture and new problems continually crop up as children grow. But parents never have to carry the responsibility alone. Parenting resources and professionals are available through social services agencies, hospitals and health care clinics, faith-based organizations, state programs, universities, schools, and the Internet. With information and support, parenting can also be one of the most rewarding experiences life offers. If you are struggling with a parenting issue, reach out in the community and find the assistance you need.
