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Archive for the ‘
Tip Sheets ’ Category
Introduction
Amy Schalet is Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and a specialist on adolescent sexuality and culture in comparative perspective. Her new book, Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex was released on November 1, 2011 by the University of Chicago Press.
Brenda Wade, MSW is the executive director of Achievement Services, Inc., a nonprofit organization which partners with schools to design and implement extended learning opportunities in the core subjects of reading, math and science to at-risk and low-performing students in urban school settings. She is also a part-time as a high school social worker, consulting with child care agencies on issues related to teens and children in foster care.
Q. Dr. Schalet, how can American parents and other adults talk with teenagers about sexuality and romantic relationships in more positive terms, while bolstering young people’s capacities to protect themselves against potential negative experiences and consequences?
The first step is to recognize that the majority of teenagers engage in some form of sexual intimacy before leaving high school, and that the question of under what conditions sex takes place is as important as whether it happens at all. Parents may feel most anxious about the question of whether “it” has happened and if so, whether “it” is still happening, but conversations may be easier if parents pay more attention to what I call the ABCD’s of adolescent sexuality: Autonomy,Building healthy relationships, Connectedness, and Diversity.
We tend to dramatize teenage sexuality through the assumption that young people are unable to exercise control over their urges and interactions. But they can do so, provided we help teens develop autonomy in relation to sexuality. Too often, we emphasize only one aspect ofautonomy: saying “no” to sex. But to fully understand and communicate about boundaries, young people need to also understand their sexual wishes, distinguish these wishes from others’ expectations, decide how to act on their desires, and take responsibility for their choices. We can encourage such self-knowledge and ownership by urging teens to move slowly when they explore, progressing only when both partners feel comfortable and really want it. We might ask teens: “What do think ‘being ready’ for sex means?” “When is a couple ready?” “If you felt ready, where would you get condoms and other contraceptives?”
Q. Ms. Wade, as a social worker how have you seen parents’ reluctance to discuss sexuality affect the teens you counsel?
[Insert Brenda's response here.]
Q. Dr. Schalet, how does our American culture affect parents’ comfort with discussing sexual issues with their teens?
In our society, we have few cultural scenarios for discussing healthy intimacy that don’t revolve around marriage, yet we do not want teens or even those in their early twenties to embark on marriage. While we send the message that marriage can wait, relationships do not, and young people need to learn that building healthy relationships requires mutual interest, respect, care and trust. To start that conversation, we might ask: “Among your friends, are there couples you admire? Why? What makes that relationship special?” “Are there couples whose relationship bothers you? What might improve their relationship?” If romance proves too loaded a topic, we might start by asking teenagers about their friendships.
Parents are often troubled by teenage sexuality because they feel it is an area in which they have little control, as many teens, particularly girls, hide their sexual lives from their parents — for fear of disappointing them or being judged. However, maintaining parent-teen connectedness is critical for teenage wellbeing, sexually and otherwise. Experts often urge parents to clearly communicate their values, but I would add the recommendation to state clearly: “The most important thing to me is my relationship with you; even if you behave differently from what I would wish or believe is right for you, I want you to feel that you can talk to me.” By keeping that connection strong and the conversation open, parents are able to have more influence.
Teenage sexuality is an arena of life in which Americans see some of our greatest personal and cultural diversity. That diversity can be hard to talk about; it encompasses a range of orientations and beliefs that many parents find troubling. At the same time, it offers parents and educators a great opportunity to enter into conversations about accepting and respecting difference within a community: Much as teens want to be and look like everyone else in their peer group, sexuality is an arena in which each person is unique. And young people need to learn that teenagers range in the pace of their physical and emotional development; vary in sexual orientations, and may hold different beliefs about sex based on their religion and culture.
Q. Ms. Wade, you practice in suburban Washington, DC where there is a great diversity among the residents, i.e., Hispanics, Asian-Americans, etc. Clearly there is a need for cultural competency for social workers counseling parents of different cultures, races, etc. How do you adjust your methods of talking to parents and teens about sexual issues among various cultures?
[Insert Brenda's response here]
Q. Dr. Schalet, what is the best way to eliminate parents squeamishnes about sex and their teens?
The ABCD’s go far beyond what we usually think of as “the talk.” Like all healthy relationships, they take time. Conversations about knowing when you’re ready, building good relationships, staying connected despite disappointment, and honoring uniqueness in oneself and in others take more than a one-time talk. But when placed in the context of human emotion, connections, and respect for difference, sexuality can lose some of the “ick” factor that drives parents and teens to avoid the topic altogether. When we focus on young people’s emergent autonomy, their burgeoning relationships, on our ongoing connection with our children, and our recognition of diversity, we can educate from hope rather than fear.
Tags: Amy Schalet, Brenda Wade, Talking to Teens About Sex
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Introduction
Anyone parenting a teen knows just how challenging this all-important job can be. Here are tips that can make that job easiser.
One
Establish open communication with your teen. Let them know that you are always available to listen to and address their concerns. Show a genuine interest in their lives, i.e., their joys, sorrows, friends and achievements. Allow them the opportunity to ask questions or seek guidance without fear of a negative response or outcome. Remember to provide positive praise.
Two
Establish "periods of time" in which you, as parent, are available to engage with your teen doing something of interest to them. This could be attending a sports event, museum, movie, traveling, assisting with homework, college applications etc.
Three
Discuss current events with your teen, engaging them in conversation to provide an opportunity for them to share their feelings and thoughts in an appropriate manner and to discuss with them socially acceptable and responsible behaviors. This also provides an opportunity to discuss problems and solutions as a family unit in a safe, comfortable and nonjudgmental setting.
Four
Establish clear boundaries and limits with your teen. Share with them what is acceptable vs. unacceptable behaviors. In addition, be clear regarding any reward/consequence system. Be consistent and fair in establishing and enforcing the boundaries and limits.
Five
Model responsible behaviors. Report to work on time, adhere to legal and financial obligations in a timely manner, engage others fairly and equitably, and "own" any mistakes and successes. Don't be afraid to apologize to your teen if applicable.
Tags: Brenda C. Wade, Tips for Raising Responsible Teens
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Financial Worries
I have found in my private practice and in life that no matter
what the economy is doing, people worry about money. I am
not surprised because we need money to live, to care for our
needs, and to take care of others. Yet how we view money is a
tricky thing. I have known patients with obvious wealth who
worried about money and those with less who did not. I have
seen people spend money to alleviate uncomfortable feelings
and others who deprive themselves of any kind of spending.
My observations about money and worry are based not on an
accounting background but rather on a psychological one. In
my view, money and emotional security go hand in hand. The
more internal fear and worry we have, the more it affects our
relationship with money.
There are many reasons for money concerns, and often they
are based on real issues. We struggle with job loss, unexpected
expenses such as health costs, moving, and the ups and downs
of the economy. During times of economic strife it is so im-
portant to stay calm, get clarity about the steps we need to
take, and tap into as much community as possible. I encourage
my patients to focus on taking the small steps needed to handle
big economic shifts because it can be overwhelming to focus
only on what is looming in front of them. When we feel we
have control in our lives, even in small ways, we feel empow-
ered. When we feel empowered, we can take the next step and
then the next step after that. Slowly, we move toward stability
Tags: Karol Ward, Worried Sick
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Chapter Six: Food and Mood
In this chapter, we will examine how food can be either our friend or foe when it comes to managing our worry. We will examine what lies beneath our food choices and how emotions, such as worry, can create problems in our eating habits. We will also focus on how those foods can affect our overall mood. The purpose of exploring your food choices is not to judge your eating habits but to offer insight on how what you choose to eat can both contribute to and reduce the effects of worry. I have even asked a few nutrition experts to offer their expertise on how particular foods affect our mood. They will provide information and suggestions for you that will help you maintain your physical energy, support your mental clarity, and keep your spirits balanced, to better enable you to handle life’s difficulties.
When Worried Meets Sugar and Caffeine
I remember a patient I had many years ago, a young man who was physically active and had no issues with food. During our treatment together, he broke up with his girlfriend and worried whether he would ever find another relationship. He shared in therapy that he found himself eating a pint of ice cream every night when he got home from work. This was unusual behavior for this patient, who normally liked to go to the gym after he left the office. He told me he was not feeling in the mood to work out after work and instead found himself heading straight to his apartment and later to his freezer. When we explored this behavior, he discovered that underneath all the ice cream was a great deal of sadness. Eating the ice cream was his way of soothing his feelings and providing comfort over the loss of his relationship. Once he was able to connect to those feelings, his desire for his nighttime treat diminished. He later told me that the ice cream was “not doing the trick anyway,” and in reality the nightly pints were making him feel sluggish in the morning. and he felt better, he returned to his usual ways of taking care of himself through exercise and connecting to friends.
When we are worried and stressed, our bodies go into the hyper state of arousal I described in Chapter 1. That was the fight-or-flight response we have in reaction to perceived danger. This means that all of our internal systems and organs arefocused on how to handle whatever is causing us to be on high alert. As the result of excess stress, our bodies start to produce the hormones adrenaline and cortisol, which are both secreted by the adrenal glands. These small kidney-shaped glands kick out a surge of power when we need it, so that we have the extra boost of energy we need in order to handle a crisis. That crisis can be large (such as running from a fire), small (such as having to finish a school paper), or ongoing (such as caring for someone with a chronic illness). Whatever the size of the crisis, the adrenal glands will continue their output of adrenaline. Adrenaline increases our heart rate, elevates our blood pressure, and generally speeds up our energy. We use adrenaline when responding to perceived danger, and it enables us to make quick decisions. After the danger has passed, your body returns to a state of calm and your hormone levels go back to normal.
Imagine what your body is going through when you are in a constant state of worry and when you are physically tense. The adrenal glands try to do their job “by responding with a continual release of adrenaline. If your state of worry never shifts, the adrenals will keep supplying adrenaline. Over time, the adrenal glands are overworked by such continual overuse and do not function as well. This constant stress affects your body’s overall ability to cope. A domino effect starts to occur because if we do not have properly functioning adrenals, we feel tired. When we feel this fatigue, we may turn to quick sources of energy, such as caffeine and sugar, to keep going. Because the effects of those foods are short-lived, and they give us a fast boost but not a sustained one, we turn to them again and again. Soon, we find ourselves on a physical and ultimately emotional roller coaster of needing energy, looking for a quick fix, and then crashing physically when the sugar and caffeine wear off.
The same holds true for the hormone cortisol. Cortisol is also released by the adrenal glands and is used to manage the stress response in the body. Cortisol helps keep your immune system balanced, regulates your blood pressure, and keeps in check any of your other internal systems that are not needed when you are responding to a suspected threat. However, when you are in a chronic state of stress and do not return to a more relaxed state, too much cortisol is produced and has nowhere to go. Over time, the excess cortisol starts to work against you. Among other things, excess cortisol causes weight gain, impairs your memory, and affects your thyroid function. Until the real cause of the problem-chronic worry-is addressed, a cycle begins to happen. We end up choosing foods to keep going in the short term as opposed to making changes that will support us in the long term.
The Food and Worry Connection
When someone starts to gain or lose weight and there is no medical issue, it can usually be attributed to the stresses of life,which people respond to by over- or undereating. These stresses can include a variety of issues such as job worries, money When someone starts to gain or lose weight and there is no medical issue, it can usually be attributed to the stresses of life, which people respond to by over- or undereating. These stresses can include a variety of issues such as job worries, money worries, relationship problems, and family demands. Many people who tend to overeat turn to food for comfort, to reduce anxiety, to stuff anger, or to push beyond their exhaustion. Unless the reasons for overeating are understood, the person’s use of food to manage feelings will continue until they reach a point of ill health, have gained weight, or feel exhausted and emotional.
These symptoms are the body’s way of presenting its bill for food being used as a coping mechanism. The use of excess food to cope develops for many psychological and emotional reasons. Over time, eating becomes a way to manage uncomfortable feelings from either the past or the present. Food becomes an area where that tension plays out and can cause quite a bit of emotional distress. Until there is an understanding, release, and resolution to what you are feeling, the choice to manage emotions through overeating will happen again.
As a therapist, I know that most people do not want to turn to unhealthy behaviors to cope and are sometimes not even aware that the urge to eat poorly is connected to either a state of worry or other emotional issues. In fact, those who struggle with compulsive or binge eating often describe it as an overwhelming need. They feel compelled to engage in these behaviors and are not really conscious about why they are eating when they are not hungry. Afterward, when they feel lousy from the unhealthy food choices or have gained weight, they inevitably feel ashamed and helpless about their inability to remain in control.
The same holds true for those who undereat. As we when looking at stress hormones earlier, if we are continually worried and stressed, our appetite can actually get suppressed. When I first heard the news about my mother’s diagnosis, I could not eat for a few days. I just was not interested and spent most of my time trying to digest the news. As I researched more about our stress hormones, I saw how my reaction fit right into human biology. When our bodies are on alert and focused on a problem, the internal systems that are not needed shut down for a while. I imagine it is similar to when we put our computers into sleep mode. They are still on but not fully functioning until we need them to. So, loss of appetite due to chronic worry keeps us from getting what we really need, which is good, healthy sources of energy. Over time the lack of nutrients takes its toll on our bodies, moods, and perspectives. Parents know from experience how feeding hungry children can take them from tears to laughter. This is a good example of how acutely our moods are affected when we are deprived, even for a short time, of nourishment.
Food, Worry, and Reality Checking
Kay was a young woman in her late thirties who was a vice president in a public-relations firm. Married for about four years, Kay came for therapy because she was very unhappy with her physical appearance. Over the past five years Kay had steadily been gaining weight and had put on about thirty pounds. She told me she was not sure why she was gaining weight and said, “I’m definitely not the most healthy eater, but I don’t feel I eat that much.”
After exploring Kay’s history with food and ruling out any eating disorders, I had her describe a typical week. Kay revealed that she was a social person on the weekends with a fairly demanding schedule during the week. She explained that she tended to eat at odd hours because of her job and often used food to either wind down or rev up. She usually arrived home around ten P.M., and because she had not eaten enough earlier in the day, she ended up ordering food and drinking wine to relax. She would then fall asleep around one A.M. after watching television. In the morning, because she was exhausted, she had numerous cups of coffee to get going plus whatever sugary pastry appealed to her. In a basic way, Kay was addressing her long days and fatigue in the short term by giving her body what it craved. The sugar and coffee gave her energy, whereas the wine and late dinners helped her wind down. Yet as Kay and I discovered, the long-term solution was about addressing the real issue: her demanding job. Kay believed that if she did not stay late and keep herself available to her staff, she would be viewed as slacking off. Kay’s yearly reviews had always been positive, so her perspective on her job seemed off. I encouraged Kay to start setting some more realistic boundaries around her work hours and to create more time to be with her husband.
In order to help Kay verify her perspective and keep her from worrying, I asked her to get a reality check for each action she took. She could do this in two ways: checking in either before she took an action or after. For example, Kay decided to let her boss know that she was going to start leaving the office earlier. She discovered that her boss was not aware that Kay had been staying so late and supported her wholeheartedly. The second option involved Kay getting a reality check after she began shutting her office door for periods of time either to catch up on her own work or to eat lunch. When she tried it, she realized that her staff could handle things when she was not there to answer questions and that they could wait until she was available. More important, Kay got back the time she needed for herself. These two actions had a direct effect on her weight and energy. By eating lunch when she was hungry, carving out her own time in her office, and reducing her hours, Kay was able to make better food choices. Over the course of a year, she slowly lost the weight she had gained. The combination of reality checking and eating on a regular basis helped stabilize her body and mind.
These kinds of adjustments, along with good food choices, are going to help us ride the waves of worry. As we have seen throughout this book, bringing awareness to when our eating patterns went awry is a first step toward getting back on track. Remember, it is important when you are doing any kind of self-examination to be both conscious and compassionate. That means recognizing that things need to change but not berating yourself for making poor choices because of worry or fear. When we need to make changes, we have to be on our own side-that is, be our own best advocate as we take steps forward.
Food Clues
If you are struggling with your food choices, look at the following questions to see if you can pinpoint when and why your eating habits changed. Take a few deep inhales and exhales before you begin.
- When did you start to notice your eating habits begin to change?
- When did you first notice it?
- How long ago was it?
- What time of year or month was it?
- Can you remember what events were happening during that time?
- Describe those circumstances. Were they personal or professional?
- What was your response at that time to those situations?
- As you think abour it now, how are you feeling?
- Is there something you need to address or change now that would help you feel better?
- What would that be?
You can always go to the Three Cs section of this chapter and look at them to help you come up with some solutions if you need them. If you find yourself in the middle of a bad eating or drinking episode and want to put on the brakes quickly, look at the following four-step method. I created this technique to help people take back control when their behavior was feeling out of control. This process will help you make the connection between what you are choosing and what you are feeling.
Karol Ward is the author of:
Tags: Karol Ward, LCSW, Worried Sick
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Introduction
Eliminating toddler tantrums altogether is impossible. Managing them reasonably well is possible. Tantrum avoidance begins at home. If you do your "home work," you will be more prepared to diffuse tantrums when they occur in the car, in stores, in restaurants or in any places where you want to be, and must be, in charge.
Here is what to do—and keep doing– with tantrums in and out of the house:
1. Achieve Consistency! Have a consistent set of rules and limits, and have a kit of small consequences that you can deploy after a tantrum, or for that matter after any negative behavior that you want to eliminate. You will be creating a trust in your toddler that you WILL respond with a consequence; that you WILL do what you say; that you WILL be on top of behavior issues. Have rules for in the house and out of the house that both parents agree to follow.
2. Create Predictability and Follow Through! Be as consistent and predictable as possible, while refraining from threats, such as "I will knock you upside the head if you do not knock it off!" The parent who says, "If you do this, then I will do that…" and who does not do "that" when the child does "this" is setting up for problems. Predictability lets your child know you mean what you say. This is necessary groundwork for diffusing tantrums when they occur at times when you need your child to know you mean business.
3. Capitalize on Expression and Expectations! Even if the child is very young and may not understand all the words, your tone will convey meaning. When you prepare your child for going out to some other place that you know could be tricky, before you go, you might say, "Sweetheart, you and mommy are going out in the car and mommy expects you to behave. That means no screaming, no whining, and no crying." Note: Once you are out, if the child is very young and does evidence some sort of actual discomfort, it may be a good idea to check out the problem. But, once you determine the child is fine and safe, you can go back to your directive. "Now, you are fine, sweetheart, and I expect no more crying."
4. Use Planned Ignoring—and Follow Through! At that point if crying continues and you are in a place where you can ignore it, ignore it. If the crying continues, and you can return home, tell your little one in a firm voice that the outing cannot continue because she/he is making poor choices, and return home.
5. Have and Use Strategies! Once you and your toddler are out in the tough spots, you will need strategies. They will work better if you have prepared yourself and your child with tips 1 through 4!
- You can use the "If this continues, we will need to leave." Message: This is one a lot of parents use, but do not necessarily follow through with. If you say this and do not leave, it may work once or twice, but it can quickly become empty. If you are prepared to give up the activity once or twice, this might yield benefits for the future.
- Use ignoring if safety is assured. If you are in a place where you do not mind people staring or glaring, and the child is safe, plan to use ignoring. Ignoring can extinguish a tantrum, but it may take a few uncomfortable moments or incidents.
- Use distraction. Distraction will work better with no threats. If you have used the "if you don't stop, I will…" threat, and then use distraction, the distraction can actually reward the unwanted behavior. Bring some items for the child to play with or look at, and try them when things look iffy, and use quickly before things go too far.
- Take a break. In a restaurant or other public place removing the child for a short time can quiet things down. If in the car, you may have to pull into a safe parking spot and ignore till he calms down. When the child quiets down, even for a moment, you can begin to go again. If he starts up again, and you know he is safe, ignore,
- Reward desired behavior. When the tantrum stops or wanes for a few minutes, you have a golden opportunity to offer a reward if the child pulls herself together. However, as with any consequence, you must follow through with any reward you promise in order to get your full benefits for the future.
6. An important Do– and a few important Do Not's! Never shame your child. Name calling and making the child feel bad about himself may have short-term relief, but usually create potential problems in the longer term. Do not use physical punishment, even though you may be at your wits end. It may cause much larger problems overall. Do not promise any reward that you do not intend to deliver. And do not wait long to apply consequences. Do not withhold love, food or shelter or other basic necessities. Do not put toddlers alone in a room or leave them in a car alone. Do not threaten to make them go live with someone else or to give them away. Some of these do nots are obvious, but at a parent's wits end, going to desperate measures can seem appealing.
Do get professional help if the tantrums begin to occur more frequently or if the child becomes self-destructive on some sort of regular basis. Also do consider stress management training for yourself and for any other caretakers who are becoming overly stressed by a child's behavior. And, take heart, all toddlers tantrum. Yours is not an oddity or a casualty of some behavioral downfall. By using the above tips and strategies you will be in prime position to avoid and diffuse tantrums in top spots–and at home.
To find a social worker in your area, please click here.
Tags: Bette Freedson, social workers, temper tantrums
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Introduction
In this chapter we will explore our level of responsibility for our thoughts, actions and choices, and what to do if we truly feel that we have made a mistake. Two written promises are included to assist you and your partner in reaching a new level of honesty and passionate commitment to one another.
Tolerance of the ego-yours and theirs
Remember, we all have egos, so don’t judge another’s ego without judging your own. If you see someone’s ego in action and you judge it to be behaving badly, don’t forget that yours probably does the same. You may be saying silently to yourself: “But I’m not that bad!” True, perhaps, but remember that your ego is skillful at deceiving you. Your judging ego will usually try to make you believe that you are better than the other, more innocent than the other, and heap blame and judgment on the other. This is a normal activity of the ego-everyone’s ego. It has selective blindness, seeing only the other’s negative aspects, and it loves to portray itself as the victim.
A friend of mine was badly treated by some tenants in a rental apartment that she owned. Truly, she had tried to treat them well. She had allowed them to have several pets, paid their utilities when they were struggling financially, and let them pay the rent late.
Eventually they sneaked off and left her with unpaid debts amounting to hundreds of dollars. She felt justifiably angry and judged them harshly.
About a year later she was ready to sell the house and asked for my help with some last-minute superficial repairs. At this point she had in hand a signed contract with a buyer, but she was trying to avoid making the more expensive repairs that were needed before the sale without full disclosure. With my help, she looked at her own tactics with a clear and self-reflective eye. She then realized that she was trying to rip her prospective buyers off just as she had been ripped off by her delinquent renters. She found her ego arguing that this was not the same thing and that every seller does this. Her ego tried hard to justify her behavior, but she could see that this was just another instance of wanting the unfair advantage. This is how the ego works, and we have to be clear-eyed and self-reflective in order to catch it in action within ourselves.
Fortunately, my friend understood this, and she was able to examine her motives and intentions in a tolerant way. She withheld judgment of herself, but knew that she must also withhold judgment of her former tenants, difficult as this might be. This is because, in essence, we are all one; we cannot ourselves escape judgment if we judge others.
Taking responsibility for our choices
However, when we find that we have taken the unfair advantage over the other, it is not quite enough to merely admit it to ourselves and forget about it. In order to avoid guilty feelings that hang around our unconscious minds and make us judge or even hate ourselves, we must take additional steps that will minimize the chance that we will make the same mistake again.
In cases where we face the truth about a situation, and in spite of the ego’s attempts to defend itself, we realize that we have made a mistake and have caused some harm, we should make the following contract with ourselves.
Making reparations for our mistakes: my promise to myself
If I make a mistake and cause my loved one(s) harm, I solemnly promise to:
- Admit my mistake to myself and to any victims of my ego’s antics.
- Do what I can to make it right. I will make restitution when possible.
- Figure out what I can do to prevent it from happening again. I will determine the danger signs in this pattern of my behavior, and I will make a plan to avoid this behavior in the future.
Date: _____________ Signature: ___________________________________________
The first step means that I will tell the person the truth about the harm that I believe I have done with sincere regret, while acknowledging that I am by nature imperfect. I will be specific about my misdeed and why I believe it is wrong, and I will listen
to the viewpoint of my partner while trying not to be defensive. He may not see it the way I do, and he has the same right to his opinion as I do to mine.
The second step means that I will try to make amends by compensating him in some way for the harm that I have done. He may have a different viewpoint regarding compensation, and that should be respected.
The third step is the self-awareness part. Here I need to think about what led me to make the mistake in the first place. Is there a pattern to my behavior; and will I know if I am getting ready to make the same mistake again? Are there steps that I can take to avoid this mistake in the future? Is there something I can do instead?
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To read more articles by Ms. Moore, please click here.
Maura McGovern Moore, LCSW is the author of:
Tags: Maura McGovern Moore, Relationship Tip Sheet, The Simple Guide to Lasting Love
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Tolerance of the ego-yours and theirs
Remember, we all have egos, so don’t judge another’s ego without judging your own. If you see someone’s ego in action and you judge it to be behaving badly, don’t forget that yours probably does the same. You may be saying silently to yourself: “But I’m not that bad!” True, perhaps, but remember that your ego is skillful at deceiving you. Your judging ego will usually try to make you believe that you are better than the other, more innocent than the other, and heap blame and judgment on the other. This is a normal activity of the ego-everyone’s ego. It has selective blindness, seeing only the other’s negative aspects, and it loves to portray itself as the victim.
A friend of mine was badly treated by some tenants in a rental apartment that she owned. Truly, she had tried to treat them well. She had allowed them to have several pets, paid their utilities when they were struggling financially, and let them pay the rent late. Eventually they sneaked off and left her with unpaid debts amounting to hundreds of dollars. She felt justifiably angry and judged them harshly.
About a year later she was ready to sell the house and asked for my help with some last-minute superficial repairs. At this point she had in hand a signed contract with a buyer, but she was trying to avoid making the more expensive repairs that were need ed before the sale without full disclosure. With my help, she looked at her own tactics with a clear and self-reflective eye. She then realized that she was trying to rip her prospective buyers off just as she had been ripped off by her delinquent renters. She found her ego arguing that this was not the same thing and that every seller does this. Her ego tried hard to justify her behavior, but she could see that this was just another instance of wanting the unfair advantage. This is how the ego works, and we have to be clear-eyed and self-reflective in order to catch it in action within ourselves.
Fortunately, my friend understood this, and she was able to examine her motives and intentions in a tolerant way. She withheld judgment of herself, but knew that she must also withhold judgment of her former tenants, difficult as this might be. This is because, in essence, we are all one; we cannot ourselves escape judgment if we judge others.
Taking responsibility for our choices
However, when we find that we have taken the unfair advantage over the other, it is not quite enough to merely admit it to ourselves and forget about it. In order to avoid guilty feelings that hang around our unconscious minds and make us judge or even hate ourselves, we must take additional steps that will minimize the chance that we will make the same mistake again.
In cases where we face the truth about a situation, and in spite of the ego’s attempts to defend itself, we realize that we have made a mistake and have caused some harm, we should make the following contract with ourselves.
Making reparations for our mistakes:my promise to myself
If I make a mistake and cause my loved one(s) harm, I solemnly promise to:
- Admit my mistake to myself and to any victims of my ego’s antics.
- Do what I can to make it right. I will make restitution when possible.
- Figure out what I can do to prevent it fromhappening again. I will determine the danger
signs in this pattern of my behavior, and I will make a plan to avoid this behavior in the
future.
Signature Date
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National Association of Social Workers
MEDIA BACKGROUNDER
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
January 10, 2011 |
Contact: Theresa Spinner
(202) 408-8600, ext. 468
tspinner@naswdc.org
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Valentine’s Day Backgrounder – How Do You Know if Your Sweetheart is Marriage Material?
By Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, Ed.D., MSS, MA
Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, MSS is a social worker based in Sarasota, FL. She has been a speaker for non-profit, corporate and university organizations. Dr. Wish offers sound, research-based relationship advice that makes sense — specializing in issues such as smart dating, women’s relationship advice, career coaching, healthy families, sexual dysfunction, and leadership training. Dr. Wish is a Columnist, “Relationship Realities” and Member of the Advisory Board of www.QualityHealth.com, a Top Ten Health site.
EDITOR’S NOTE: If you reprint any of this material, please refer to Dr. Wish as a member of the National Association of Social Workers.
Introduction
Another holiday, another stressor. Valentine’s Day. You can barely avoid it. Red-laced hearts atop lingerie displays, the sales women offer you the latest scent, the expensive watch ads for women and men are half a page long.
There’s ample warning—the merchandising starts earlier and earlier. Yet, if you walk into a CVS or Walgreen’s just after work on Valentine’s Day, you’d be amazed at the number of people scanning the nearly empty shelves for the right card. Really–with all that advanced notice?
Even for those of us who are jaded about these commercial holidays, there is still that little lump in the throat, that flutter of the chest that can make you wonder: Am I in love? With the right person? And how do I know if my sweetheart is marriage material?
Unfortunately, anyone can seem like a good match in the short run. Aim for knowing someone over time. People can—and do—keep up facades for months or even years. Pay attention to your instincts and don’t brush signs of trouble under the rug.
Of course, there is no magic answer to whether you and your partner should marry, but here is a quick guide. Perhaps these ideas will spark more items to add to the list. Please note that this list is not about the other person—it applies to both of you because a wisely-chosen partner will make you a good one, too.
- You treat each other with respect. For years, marital research has shown that mutual respect and kindness are central to long-lasting love. For example, caring and respectful partners do not criticize each other in public or belittle the other person’s interests or values. There is no physical, verbal or sexual abuse.
- You and your partner do not often use criticism as a form of communication. Thinly-veiled barbs and sarcasm erode love. Of course, no one is perfect, and we all misbehave from time to time. But almost all the time, your communication style should be warm and positive. Like plants, love needs caring in order to flower—and stay alive.
- You and your partner do not withhold love and caring behavior to “punish” or retaliate against the other person for hurtful behavior. It’s sad but true that we often hurt the one we love. We do this because we emotionally invest the most in intimate partners, and when this investment is high, so are our not-so-pleasant defenses. Look for a partner who is able to communicate his or her unhappiness in ways that don’t diminish or hurt the other person.
- Apologies are very powerful. They mean that someone is willing to own up to his or her missteps—and even be embarrassed by them—all in the name of love.
- You applaud each others’ accomplishments. Loving couples do not compete with each other. You help and cheer your partner’s successes.
- You share common life values and at least some interests. Make sure your partner feels the same way about marriage, commitment, and fidelity. You can’t “drag” someone into marriage or decent behavior. Observe how your partner treats his family, friends, colleagues—and exes!
- You also share a sense of humor. Life is tough and unpredictable. Make sure you can laugh. Go to funny movies. See the absurdity in life and roll with it together.
- You work well as a problem-solving team. Don’t get stuck in the repetitive and destructive behavior of blaming each other for a problem. Smart and caring couples “play it forward” and go directly to developing solutions—especially when you and your partner have differing views. In fact, differences in personality, background, and skills, for example, can enrich a relationship. Marital studies demonstrate that complementary styles teach and widen the other person’s abilities and flexibility.
- Love is supposed to bring out the best in each other. Do you like yourself in this relationship? Do you inspire the best in your partner?
- You don’t try to “fix” each other. You can’t love someone in the future. You might see the potential in someone, but you can’t drag your partner into his or her “potential.” Your relationship exists in the present. Besides, you can’t really fix someone else.
- You applaud and accept each other’s differences. You can’t change your partner either. If there are major differences in race or religion, for example, it’s best to resolve and address issues of beliefs, culture, and values now.
- You and your partner have “been there for each other” during rough times and good times. Some partners thrive on being supportive during crises—and then fall apart when the going is good because they don’t feel “needed.” The reverse is true, too. Some partners head for the hills during illness and other hard times. Make sure you and your partner are not fair-weather lovers.
I hope this list at least sparks an assessment of your Valentine!
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The National Association of Social Workers (NASW), in Washington, D.C., is the largest membership organization of professional social workers in the world with nearly 150,000 members in 56 chapters throughout the United States and its territories. It promotes, develops, and protects the practice of social work and social workers. NASW also seeks to enhance the well-being of individuals, families, and communities through its advocacy.
Tags: LeslieBeth Wish, Relationships, Valentine's Day
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Introduction
Peace, Joy and many guests (sometimes unwelcome guests) like Depression and Stress, which can affect your health and ruin your holidays. Planning ahead, being realistic and seeking Help (support) in time of need can help rid depression and stress. Some people will find themselves in a whirlwind of demands – work, family, shopping, cleaning, care giving for elderly or kids on school break, cooking, parties, funerals, visiting the sick, studying and many other activities. So much for peace, joy and the pursuit of happiness, right?
However, some simple guidelines can minimize and help alleviate the depression and stress that often are part of the holiday season. You may even end up enjoying the holiday more than you ever thought you could!
Trigger points
Holiday depression and stress are often the result of three predominate trigger points. Understanding these trigger points can help us plan ahead on how to accommodate them.
Finances
Our financial situation can cause stress at any time of the year (just like our relationships). However, in a sluggish economy, overspending during the holidays on gifts, clothing, travel, food, and entertainment can increase stress as we try to make ends meet while ensuring that everyone on our gift list is Happy.
Relationships
Our relationships can cause conflict, stress and dysfunction at any time. But tensions are heightened during the holidays. Family and marital conflict and misunderstanding can intensify. With so many needs to accommodate, specifically with family from out of town that we have not seen in a while, we may feel overwhelmed. On the other hand, if we are facing the holidays without loved ones or family, we may find ourselves especially lonely, sad or depressed
Physical Demands
Partying, cooking and shopping can exhaust us. Feeling exhausted increases stress levels. Sleep and exercise are very healing, curing and can relieve stress; however, we are usually sleep deprived during holidays, as our physical demands are heighten due to the extra demands, as well as overeating and drinking, which are all ingredients for holidays illness.
11 steps to alleviate
Holiday stress – We must make a conscious effort to help prevent normal holiday depression from escalating into chronic depression. When stress is at it peak we need to Stop and re-group. Here are some tips:
Budget – Before going shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend on gifts. Stick to your budget. If you do not, then you could feel anxious and tense and upset for months afterwards as you struggle to
pay off the debt. Homemade gifts are awesome. Or donate your time, visit someone in the hospital or a nursing home, happiness nor friendship cannot be bought via a material item.
Plan – Plan ahead, and set a schedule for shopping, cooking, visiting friends and family, partying, exercising, etc. Allow extra time for travel so that when you’re sitting in traffic you do not increase your anxiety level and stress out.
Say NO – Learn to say no. NO to the things you truly do not want to engage in. NO to the activities you have no desire in participating in. NO to those family members or so-called friends you truly do not want to visit with. Say Yes to the things and activities that truly fill your spirit and soul.
Stick to your healthy eating habits – Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you do not go overboard on sweets, alcohol, sodas and carbs. Remember portion control. Read labels to find out just how many calories are in the specific product you decide to buy and consume. Walk and schedule time for physical activity. Go dancing!
Take a break – Make some time for yourself, 10-15 minutes alone, for private meditation, without any distractions. It will refresh you for the rest of the day. Go to a quite place for a few moments of solitude, with God, the Universe, your creator, the stars, Heaven, whatever you believe in. Find something that calms you, inhale all the good the universe has in store for you and exhale all the toxins in your life.
Be aware of your feeling – It is alright to cry or to express your feelings. You do not have to be Happy simply because it is the holiday season. Acknowledge your feelings. It is normal to grieve the loss of a parent during the holidays, the loss of a partner, the loss of employment, a friend’s recent cancer diagnosis. Remember – this too shall pass.
Change is good – Be realistic, as families move and grow, traditions often move and grow with them. Stick to the things you can and want to do. Be creative with the traditions you cannot engage in as a family unit any longer because of long distance or other issues. Use the high-tech ability of Facebook, twitter or simply the traditional post office method of mailing a card, for example in connecting with an elderly relative or friend without a computer.
Seek help – Get support if you’re feeling sad or isolated – from family members, friends, community, social services agencies or your religious group. Getting involved and helping others always brightens our spirits and creates good Chi. On the journey toward helping others you’ll also make new friends.
Resolutions – Change begins with our every waking moment; we do not need to wait until a particular day during the holiday session to make all the life-altering changes or to deal with past issues. Stop and be realistic about your resolutions, as they can set us up for failure if they are unrealistic. Set attainable short-term goals with a reasonable time frame.
For example, you do not need to loss 40 pounds in one week – you can start by taking small do-able steps, such as starting a walking club with your neighbor and changing your eating habits. Remember the Journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.
Things might go wrong – Forget about perfection. Expect and accept imperfections. Things might go wrong but you do not have to go with them
Seek professional help – Sometimes we need the assistance of a professional to help us navigate a difficult situation. If you find that you are feeling extremely sad, angry, anxious, unable to sleep, irritable, hopeless, helpless, unable to face the day to day activities, unable to cope, constantly arguing, isolated, and any of these are exhibited over several weeks, please talk to someone. Seek the assistance of your doctor – if you do not have a doctor, go to the family health care center in your neighborhood as you could be experiencing depression.
Acceptance – Accept that things are not always going to go as planned. One way to minimize holiday depression and stress is acknowledging that the holidays can and will trigger depression and stress. Accept that things, events and people are not always going to go as you planned. Take steps to proactively manage your depression and stress during the holidays. You might truly enjoy and be grateful for this holiday session this year – more than you imagine.
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Tags: holiday stress and depression, Maribel Quiala
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Introducción
Paz, Alegría y muchos invitados (algunas veces invitados no bienvenidos) como la Depresin y Estrés, los cuales pueden afectar su salud y arruinar sus fiestas. Planear con tiempo, ser realistas y buscar ayuda (apoyo) en un momento de necesidad, puede ayudarlo a eliminar la depresin y el estrés.
Muchas personas se encontrarán en un mundo lleno de demandas- trabajo, familia, compras, limpieza, cuidar a personas mayores o los niños durante las vacaciones de la escuela, cocinar, fiestas, funerales, visitar enfermos, estudiar y muchas otras actividades. Demasiado para la paz, el disfrute y la búsqueda de la felicidad, ¿verdad?
Sin embargo, algunos simples consejos/ ideas pueden minimizar y ayudar a aliviar la depresin y el estrés que forman parte de temporada de celebraciones. Usted incluso puede terminar disfrutando más de estas fiestas de lo que imagin.
¿Cuáles son los puntos desencadenantes?
La depresin y el estrés de época festiva son con frecuencia el resultado de 3 puntos predominantes que los provocan. Entender estos puntos nos puede ayudar a cmo acomodarlos.
Finanzas — Nuestra situacin financiera puede causar estrés en cualquier época del año (igual que nuestras relaciones). Sin embargo, en una economía lenta, gastar en exceso durante las fiestas en regalos, ropa, viajes, comida, entretenimiento, puede aumentar nuestro estrés a medida que tratamos de hacer que el dinero nos alcance, y a la vez, asegurarnos que todo el mundo de nuestra lista de regalos esté Feliz.
Relaciones — Nuestras relaciones pueden causar conflicto, estrés y disfuncin en cualquier momento. Pero las tensiones se intensifican muchas veces durante la época festiva. Conflicto familiares, maritales y malos entendidos pueden intensificarse. Específicamente, si debe atender las necesidades de familiares que viven fuera de la Ciudad, y que no ha visto por algún tiempo. Pero por otra parte, si estamos en las fiestas sin nuestros seres queridos, o familia, podemos sentirnos especialmente solos, tristes y deprimidos.
Demandas Físicas — Salir de fiestas, cocinar, ir de compras pueden agotarnos. El sentirnos exhaustos aumenta nuestros niveles de estrés. El sueño y ejercicio son muy buenos para curar y aliviar estrés, sin embargo durante las fiestas tendemos a dormir poco, a medida que las demandas físicas se intensifican por compromisos adicionales. Comer en exceso y beber son también ingredientes de las enfermedades festivas.
11 Pasos para Aliviar el Estrés durante la Fiestas
Debemos hacer un esfuerzo consciente para ayudar a prevenir que la depresin normal de las fiestas escale hacia una depresin crnica. Cuando el estrés está en su punto más álgido, necesitamos Detenernos y re-agruparnos.
Algunos consejos:
Presupuesto — Antes de ir de compras, decida cuánto dinero puede permitirse gastar en regalos. Manténgase firme en su presupuesto. Si no lo hace, entonces puede sentirse ansioso, tenso y molesto varios meses después, mientras hace esfuerzos para saldar la deuda. Los regalos hechos en casa son increíbles, done su tiempo, visite a alguien en el hospital o en una casa de cuidados, la felicidad y la amistad no pueden comprarse con cosas materiales.
Plan — Planee con tiempo, establezca una lista con horario para hacer las compras, cocinar, visitar amigos y familiares, ir de fiestas, hacer ejercicios, etc. Deje tiempo para cuando maneje, así que cuando usted esté sentado en el tráfico no aumente sus niveles de estrés y ansiedad.
Diga NO — Aprenda a decir No. No a las cosas con las que usted verdaderamente no quiere comprometerse. No, a las actividades en las que usted no tiene deseo de participar. No a miembros de la familia o a los llamados amigos, que usted no quiere visitar. Diga SI, a las cosas y actividades que realmente le llenan su alma y espíritu.
Manténgase firme en sus hábitos saludables de comida — Tenga una saludable merienda antes de ir a una fiesta, para que no se sature con dulces, alcohol, sodas y carbohidratos. Recuerde su porcin de control. Lea las etiquetas para saber cuantas calorías tiene un producto específico que usted decide comprar y consumir. Camine y establezca un horario para cualquier actividad física. ¡Vaya a bailar!.
Tome un descanso — Dedique algún tiempo para usted, 10-15 minutos solo, en meditacin, sin ninguna distraccin. Esto le refrescará por el resto del día. Vaya a un lugar tranquilo para pequeños momentos de soledad con Dios, el Universo, su Creador, las estrellas, el Cielo, con lo que usted crea. Encuentre algo que lo calme, inhale todo lo bueno que el Universo ha reservado para usted, y exhale todas las toxinas de su vida.
Esté consciente de sus sentimientos — Está bien llorar y expresar sus sentimientos. Usted no tiene que estar Feliz, simplemente porque llegaron las fiestas. Reconocer sus sentimientos es normal para aliviar el dolor de la pérdida de un padre, la pérdida de su compañero, la pérdida del empleo, o por un amigo al que le han diagnosticado cáncer recientemente. Recuerde que esto deberá pasar.
El Cambio es bueno — Sea realista. A medida que las familias se mudan y crecen, las tradiciones con frecuencia se mudan y cambian con el tiempo. Preserve las cosas que usted puede y quiere hacer. Sea creativo con las tradiciones que usted ya no puede realizar en la unidad familiar, por la larga distancia u otras situaciones. Use la facilidad de la alta tecnología de Facebook, Twitter, o simplemente el tradicional método de enviar cartas a través del correo postal, para comunicarse con un anciano que no tiene computadora.
Busque Ayuda — Busque ayuda si esta sintiéndose muy triste, aislado de los miembros de la familia, amigos, comunidad, agencias de servicios sociales o los servicios religiosos. Involucrarse y ayudar a otros siempre hace brillar nuestros espíritus y crea buen Chi. En la travesía de ayudar a otros, usted también hará nuevos amigos.
Resoluciones o Propsitos — El Cambio comienza cada momento que despierte. No necesitamos esperar a un día particular en la temporada de fiestas, para hacer todos los cambios de nuestra vida relacionados con el pasado. Deténgase y sea realista sobre las resoluciones que nos pueden hacer sentir fracasados, si son fantasiosas. Establezca metas realizables de corto alcance, dentro de un marco razonable de tiempo. Ejemplo, usted no necesita perder 40 libras en una semana. Usted puede comenzar realizando pequeñas metas, como establecer con un vecino un club de caminatas, y cambiando sus hábitos alimenticios. Recuerde que el camino de mil millas comienza con un solo paso.
Las cosas pueden ir mal —Olvídese de la perfeccin. Espere y acepte imperfecciones. Las cosas pueden ir mal, pero usted no tiene que ir con ellas.
Busque Ayuda Profesional — Algunas veces necesitamos la asistencia de un profesional para que nos ayude a navegar por una situacin difícil. Si usted se está sintiendo extremadamente triste, furioso, ansioso, con problemas para dormir, irritable, descorazonado, sin esperanza, incapacitado para enfrentar las actividades del día a día, incapacitado para hacer las cosas, pelea constantemente, aislado, y esto le ha estado sucediendo por varias semanas, por favor hable con alguien. Busque ayuda de su doctor, si no tiene doctor vaya a un centro de cuidado familiar en su vecindario, porque usted puede estar padeciendo de depresin.
Aceptacin — Acepte que las cosas no siempre van a salir como las plane. Una forma de minimizar la depresin de las fiestas y el estrés es reconociendo que esta temporada navideña va a desencadenar depresin y estrés. Acepte que las cosas, eventos y las personas no van a ir como usted lo calcul. Tome los pasos activos para su depresin y estrés durante esta época. Usted puede verdaderamente disfrutar y estar agradecido de la temporada festiva este año, más de lo que puede imaginar.
¡Abundantes bendiciones para todos!
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Tags: Maribel Quiala
Posted in
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