By Judy Martin, MSW, LCSW
 

	One Woman’s Perfectionism and Request for Help
	The Response

One Woman’s Perfectionism and Her Request for Help

I am 49, female, a successful professional, married and have two beautiful children. My family and professional life are very satisfying and I have been blessed with many joys in living. Despite all this, I am very hard on myself and self-critical. I’m not as hard on my kids or anyone else, but when I make a mistake or don’t do things perfectly, I mentally kick myself over and over. My family and co-workers keep telling me to relax, but I can’t seem to let go of my need to be perfect. How might I lighten up?

The Response

The need to be perfect can be highly stressful. It creates tremendous internal pressure and can make us very uptight. The fear of making a mistake has a lot to do with the fear of being judged by others. If we jump the gun and come down on ourselves first, it becomes a defense mechanism to ward off others’ judgments. This fear, like all fears, is a force with which to deal.

When we let fear drive our life, it cuts off the natural flow of self-expression and creativity. Freeing onesself of the fear of disapproval from others is very difficult to do for most of us. Nevertheless, it is one of the necessary steps towards self-realization. Not doing so creates a trap in which we live to please others or to avoid others’ judgment. All the accomplishments, honors, or rewards one may receive can not fill the bottomless pit of the need for approval. Until we give ourselves self-approval, no one else’s approval will make us feel worthy.

Self-esteem is not built on another’s measure of us, but on our own honest appraisal of personal strengths and weaknesses. Until accepting one’s weaknesses and limitations as well as strengths, self acceptance is impossible. Loving onesself means developing a full appreciation for the complexities of character. By holding onesself to an unrealistic standard of perfectionism, we set ourselves up for self-condemnation when missing the mark.

In order to love onesself, we must first see ourselves realistically; every nuance of emotion from the most base to the loftiest. If we are in denial about any aspect of onesslef, that aspect finds a way to haunt us until we are willing to face it, embrace it and own it. It is only through the process of ownership that we can eventually create transformation.

It is not for anyone else to point out our faults or judge us. We only learn through self-awareness. When others criticize us, we get defensive. Perfectionism is a posture that we choose to ward off the imagined criticism of others. We then play the dual role of being both the critic and the victim. Self-awareness comes from receptivity; being open to examining one’s process without judgment for the purpose of self-correction which is different from self-criticism. A good therapist can help examine one’s own self judgments.

The only way we learn is by making “mistakes”. There really aren’t any mistakes, only better choices. Every choice in life is an experience which teaches us something. When we use our “mistakes” and less than healthy choices as personal lessons, we begin to develop tolerance and compassion for our self. It is good to have the pursuit of excellence in one’s life however, excellence comes from inner discipline and the right focus. Perfectionism comes from fear. Working with a social worker or other therapist help us look at ourselves objectively – without judgment. Only then can we become free to be more of who we are and live with true self acceptance.