By David Sternberg, MSW, LICSW
Expecting perfection is not just unrealistic; it’s self-defeating. We set ourselves up for failure by demanding perfection. That’s because there’s nowhere to go but down, even when all objective measures say we’re successful.
For example, when a child expects to get a score of 100 percent on every test in school, she will be disappointed when she gets a 93 – an otherwise fantastic score. The same is true with adults.
We may be in a good relationship or have a rewarding job. But when our reality doesn’t match our idealized notions of what a partner or job “should” be, we often become resentful. We feel as if we have failed in some meaningful way.
Perfectionist thinking happens in many arenas: We may think a “perfect” employee would never take a sick day from work, or that if we lose 10 pounds we’ll be closer to having a “perfect” body, or that we want to plan a “perfect” wedding.
This sort of thinking often comes from our families. Many of us were taught either implicitly or explicitly that we were lovable to our parents only if we performed at a high level in school, on the athletic field or on stage. We grew up thinking that if we’re not perfect we won’t be loved. Love was conditional; it wasn’t about who we were but what we did.
Update Your Self-Talk
It’s important to change your self-talk to something more rational and self-affirming. For example:
- I’m going to do my best.
- I’d like to meet someone who shares similar interests.
- I’d love to have a wedding where as many of my favorite people are in attendance.
Remove the word “perfect” from your vocabulary. You will find you’ll be a whole lot happier.
