By Peggy Levinson, MSW, LCSW
How many people get into an argument with a family member and then turn to a friend for comfort? We all have. After expressing our frustrations to someone else, it seems easier to return to the offender in a calm frame of mind. For the moment, our tension has lessened.
Here’s a hypothetical situation: Bill has a tough day at work, and when he arrives home, he brings his frustration with him to his family life. Jane, his wife, perceives him as grumpy and distant.
Not knowing the cause of Bill’s mood, Jane complains to her best friend that her relationship is not as intimate as she desires. Jane might feel better after her talk, but nothing has been solved. Bill continues to come home grumpy, and Jane keeps turning to her friend in frustration. Eventually, as as dissatisfaction builds, talking to a friend no longer helps. The situation explodes. Sound familiar?
A More Productive Path
When emotional tension between two people runs high, they might turn to a third person or bring them into the conversation. This does not solve the problem. Instead, it creates a relationship triangle.
What’s a more productive path? Direct communication.
The couple should remove the third party from the conversation and turn their attention to their underlying problems.
How Family Therapists Help
Family therapists are a neutral third party for the relationship. Being neutral means that the therapist places no emotional investment in changing the view points of either person in the relationship. The therapist’s main purpose is to reduce the tension between the partners and encourage new, more productive ways of communication.
It’s normal to create relationship triangles, but learning how to directly address problems creates more stable relationships. Many clinical social workers are highly trained family therapists and possess skills in helping families achieve productive pathways of communication.
Peggy Levinson, LCSW, LMFT, is a clinical member of the Academy of Certified Social Workers and the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.
